Confessions of a broken heart... fixed with some duct tape

They say duct tape fixes everything, but can you really expect something to stay hidden and sealed behind that silver barrier? As my relationship with Nick continues to grow so do many things. My acceptance of the deaths that have occured recently (another of which I learned of today). My happiness and feeling of acceptance with Nick and his family. And my fear of many things. I've been having.... flashbacks I guess is the appropriate word for them, of my ex. The last serious relationship I had. I thought after more than a year without a relationship... I would be okay. And yet these memories are as vivid as the day they happened. I find myself dreaming not only of him, but of others, and I can't seem to help it. It frightens me actually. I fear my ex will come back to Utah and make my life a living hell once again. I can't help but wonder if all these dreams and such are merely my subconscious projecting my fears of commitment. Admittedly, I haven't been the best GF in the past, and sure haven't picked the best people for mates. But why all this, and why now? I'm trying to actually focus on the relationship with Nick, and not be the controlling, demanding, psycho bitch I have been in the past. Hey, I can admit it :)

And yet that's exactly what he asks me to be. He has no idea how much I have been trying to change myself, and he's asking for exactly what I'm trying to avoid. He wants someone who will control, and make him change for the better. I want someone who is self sufficient and hell... who am I kidding. I like to be in control... but I don't want to turn into that crazy bitch I was in Idaho. I don't want to fight for control SO much that I lose myself. I'm not saying that will happen with Nick, I'm just saying that's why I'm being so weary. We haven't talked in two days, and It's driving me absolutely CRAZY. This is exactly what my ex and I broke up for... him not taking the time to call me. WOW, I am a control freak. I don't know... I guess I don't know how to deal with actually missing someone. I'm so used to wanting someone and them actually just being there. I guess it's good to learn though! Just because we are dating, does not mean his life needs to revolve around me, and my life does not need to revolve around him. I may be needy, but at least I'm a fair, giving needy chick LOL!
Anyways, While looking at Nick the other day, I realized that I might have actually found someone that really cares! I just wish he would show it a little more openly. Ya know, more passion and romance. But, he's a typical guy and doesn't know anything about that kind of stuff. I never thought I would be dating a stereotypical male.

Well I guess I should try to sleep. Or something. So long and sweet dreams <3

since it's been a month...

well, what a month it has been. Today is the second major hurdle in everyone of my relationships... the one month. Usually, if it lasts past this... it lasts a long time (that, for me, of coarse is like a year :/) Unfortunately with the happiness of Nick comes all the unhappiness of everything else. Due to budget cuts (haha) I can only take 4 credit hours this semester. In a way this is a blessing, but I am treating it more like a curse. I feel like I am letting people down. Although, with a (so far) 3.9 for spring semester, I would think I earned a little slack for the summer. Alas, I feel I need to be superhuman and live up to everything. Constantly pushing myself harder and harder.

*sigh* Nick and Scott offered for me to move in. I am torn on this issue. On the one hand I want to get back out on my own and be me. On the other, I worry about my father... and I don't want to rush things more than we already have with Nick. I slip in and out of this steel box I have built myself. On the days when things really get to me and I start to break down... he makes me feel wonderful, and my heart melts (gah, so lame!) and yet I continue to push him away from me, trying to protect myself.
I honestly don't know what he sees in me. Why he smiles when he looks at me, or why our kisses are so passionate. I only know that they are. I keep waiting for this fantasy to end... for him to say "oh, just kidding" and it all to come crashing down upon me. But something tells me... he's waiting for me to do the same. When we talk, and I look into his eyes, there is so much there. I only wish I could get to it. I suppose he is just as guarded as I am. How is it that he can read me so well, and make me smile when I truly want to cry... or beat the hell out of him.
I feel safe in someone's arms again... that both thrills and scares me. I'm starting to feel close to his family, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I feel as though I belong in his family. As though... I've been there longer than a month. I feel really accepted. GAH, what am I going to do??? I don't know what scares me more... the thought of opening up and losing it all. Not just him, but his family as well. Or the thought of it working... really truly working.

Well, I suppose I'll go. I'm bored! I was at Nick's dad's for almost a week with him, and this is the first night home. It's so quiet here :/

Good Night. Loves.