well, what a month it has been. Today is the second major hurdle in everyone of my relationships... the one month. Usually, if it lasts past this... it lasts a long time (that, for me, of coarse is like a year :/) Unfortunately with the happiness of Nick comes all the unhappiness of everything else. Due to budget cuts (haha) I can only take 4 credit hours this semester. In a way this is a blessing, but I am treating it more like a curse. I feel like I am letting people down. Although, with a (so far) 3.9 for spring semester, I would think I earned a little slack for the summer. Alas, I feel I need to be superhuman and live up to everything. Constantly pushing myself harder and harder.
*sigh* Nick and Scott offered for me to move in. I am torn on this issue. On the one hand I want to get back out on my own and be me. On the other, I worry about my father... and I don't want to rush things more than we already have with Nick. I slip in and out of this steel box I have built myself. On the days when things really get to me and I start to break down... he makes me feel wonderful, and my heart melts (gah, so lame!) and yet I continue to push him away from me, trying to protect myself.
I honestly don't know what he sees in me. Why he smiles when he looks at me, or why our kisses are so passionate. I only know that they are. I keep waiting for this fantasy to end... for him to say "oh, just kidding" and it all to come crashing down upon me. But something tells me... he's waiting for me to do the same. When we talk, and I look into his eyes, there is so much there. I only wish I could get to it. I suppose he is just as guarded as I am. How is it that he can read me so well, and make me smile when I truly want to cry... or beat the hell out of him.
I feel safe in someone's arms again... that both thrills and scares me. I'm starting to feel close to his family, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I feel as though I belong in his family. As though... I've been there longer than a month. I feel really accepted. GAH, what am I going to do??? I don't know what scares me more... the thought of opening up and losing it all. Not just him, but his family as well. Or the thought of it working... really truly working.
Well, I suppose I'll go. I'm bored! I was at Nick's dad's for almost a week with him, and this is the first night home. It's so quiet here :/
Good Night. Loves.
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