A minor realization

I've shut myself down. In hopes to protect myself and "get over" my losses this year I don't even know how to really feel anymore. That scares me. Shouldn't I be happy, shouldn't I be sad... shouldn't I remember they are gone? Rev theory "broken bones" really fits. I just wish I could feel. Wish I could be sure of something... anything! I feel bad, because I can't feel. I mean... I feel, but not much. A minor excitement, some anger... a loss of some kind. If anything, I just feel alone. Stressed and alone. I scare myself. How can I subconsciously keep myself SO busy that I forget to have emotion. I thought I was okay... I was wrong. Just because I found a way to ignore the pain, doesn't mean it's better. Sitting here... It just kinda hit me. How much I miss her, how I've been avoiding the fact that she's gone. That they both are. I just want to run away... and I can't. So I have subconsciously. I don't feel anymore... I hate it.

I feel like I should explain this to him... but I don't really understand it. How do you explain a wall, that is in place not just because you are scared... but because if one emotion starts, you'll break down. You'll lose all that beautiful composure you have built up in the last few months. You'll FEEL. It's amazing I'm functioning... and I shouldn't put that on him. Shouldn't show him... shouldn't rely on him. Or should I? Maybe he can help...

The question is, Do I want to feel? Do I want to face these things. Do I want to lose them both all over again? I don't understand how I can watch them both laying in a casket and still deny it all. Still believe that they are both with me... both still here. NO, Josh is just away at a concert.... and Grandma just isn't home right now. Right? NO, those graves are all lies... they can't really be in there. They wouldn't leave me.... I need help.

And him... he couldn't possibly like me. NO, that's unheard of. But see.... when some emotion peeks through, I'm thrilled by him. I want to lay in his arms, and feel his heart beat! Then I shut down again... and I'm so unsure about the whole thing. How unfair I am...

I'm torn on the idea of going back to feeling. On the one hand, I don't hurt anymore. I mean... I don't get hurt now. I just brush it off. I think I'm incapable of being emotionally attached anymore. And I'm still functioning, right? On the other hand... I want to love. I want to be happy. I want some enjoyment or excitement. I want something. And I sure as hell don't want to hurt him.

So it comes down to two options......
DO I try to break down these walls and try to feel again?
Or do I continue to let this shell of myself make it's rutine through my life?

.... I just don't know.