shall we stumble through this life tripping and falling, desperately scrambling to get back on our feet. Shall we struggle to keep our heads above water, and in struggling only sink faster. Shall we do this sick back and forth game over and over, and wonder why we are so exhausted. Shall we live this life?
This unknown feeling, this that I'm not able to discribe. Why am I so angry lately? Why do I have so much anxiety. Why am I so back and forth with him. At one moment I'm smiling, absolutely glowing with emotion. The next, I'm so unsure, I almost want to leave. Why do I keep dreaming of the past, or past people coming into my present? Why am I so afraid for that one person to come back, why am I so convinced he can still ruin my life? Why can't I just live... not stress about every little detail. Let things happen without controlling them so much. How do I NOT care?
Why can't I just let myself be happy? Why can't I grow up, get a job... be a real adult? Why can't I be perfect?
I'm finally okay with everything I've lost. With not having those I love, and having to re-start so many times. I don't cry about it anymore...
And then there's him... so much to say about him. Still debating on moving in with him. Or at least that's what I tell myself. "You can always decide no". He's so amazing some days. Yesterday I was so stressed, I was almost in tears, yelling... swearing, hitting shit. He grabbed my face and I couldn't help but smile. It's like the minute he touches me I calm. And when I go without touching him... well, it actually hurts. I can honestly say I crave his arms around me, and his kisses. again, that scares me. So much fear in me... why?
I really REALLY miss my hair. I don't want short hair anymore! Random, I know
anyways... I'm bored... So yeah.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
hmmmm
stressing a lot lately... I just don't know.
I start school again on wed. and leave for colorado on the following sunday. that's not really the problem though. I don't know why I'm stressing so badly. I guess it's a mixture of no money and no job. Plus trying to decide if I'm going to move or not. I love him... I really do, and I can see being with him. It's just... the last person I lived with, I was so miserable. and so sad all the time. I don't want that again! I asked him what he thought about living together... he said exactly what I needed to hear. He knows we will fight, he knows we will have good and bad days. He doesn't want to rush it. God, it's like he reads my mind some days.
He scares me. In ways he's so much I want... in other ways he reminds me of him... the last serious one... the one that destroyed me. Why am I so scared??? why am I so reluctant? Why can't I just let my self be in love?? ...... because it scares me. It's like my automatic defense systems kick in. I know he loves me... but the last one supposedly did too. I don't want to lose him or his family. It's like he's a part of my life already. It feels like it's been so long, and yet it hasn't. One part of me says it will be okay, we love each other and we can do this. The other part is screaming at me that it's all moving too damn fast! That I'm just going to get hurt. And then when I look at him and I can't help but smile. I feel amazingly safe and secure in his arms. I smile everytime he kisses me or touches my face. It's passion. Everything I'm trying to deny in the relationship. And that scares the hell out of me!
well... I guess I'll just keep arguing with myself inside... And enjoy his arms around me and his kisses that make my heart race. My plan is to keep my head up and keep pushing forward. as always... Grace under pressure
~Ashes
I start school again on wed. and leave for colorado on the following sunday. that's not really the problem though. I don't know why I'm stressing so badly. I guess it's a mixture of no money and no job. Plus trying to decide if I'm going to move or not. I love him... I really do, and I can see being with him. It's just... the last person I lived with, I was so miserable. and so sad all the time. I don't want that again! I asked him what he thought about living together... he said exactly what I needed to hear. He knows we will fight, he knows we will have good and bad days. He doesn't want to rush it. God, it's like he reads my mind some days.
He scares me. In ways he's so much I want... in other ways he reminds me of him... the last serious one... the one that destroyed me. Why am I so scared??? why am I so reluctant? Why can't I just let my self be in love?? ...... because it scares me. It's like my automatic defense systems kick in. I know he loves me... but the last one supposedly did too. I don't want to lose him or his family. It's like he's a part of my life already. It feels like it's been so long, and yet it hasn't. One part of me says it will be okay, we love each other and we can do this. The other part is screaming at me that it's all moving too damn fast! That I'm just going to get hurt. And then when I look at him and I can't help but smile. I feel amazingly safe and secure in his arms. I smile everytime he kisses me or touches my face. It's passion. Everything I'm trying to deny in the relationship. And that scares the hell out of me!
well... I guess I'll just keep arguing with myself inside... And enjoy his arms around me and his kisses that make my heart race. My plan is to keep my head up and keep pushing forward. as always... Grace under pressure
~Ashes
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