A full week of working on my insecurities and nothing to show for it. Isn't it funny how it takes so much work to build up your self consciousness and only one instance to destroy it. I spent a week dressing up, trying to figure out how to make myself happier, trying to be more comfortable with myself. I became cocky. I got to a point of doing something I almost never do, and in turn I got shut down. Immediately my insecurities came rushing back and I found myself drowning in my world of darkness once again. I just don't understand. Why do I have to struggle so much to be happy. Why does unhappiness come so naturally for me? Why do I have to boost myself just to feel decent about myself. FUCK I'm sick of it.
Just one incidence and he's destroyed all of my work. But that's how it goes I guess. Now I can either work with what I've got, go back to building myself up, or continue on this downward spiral
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Fighting a losing battle with myself
How exactly do you fight your inner demons? How do you look your insecurities in the face and tell them to get lost? What happens when they won't stand to fight you? **SIGH** I have realized that maybe creating a "new" me every time something went wrong was maybe not the best idea. Now I have so many "me"s that I don't know which one to fall back on. As I am on the brink of losing my family, I can't help but reflect upon myself.
Am I not doing what I am supposed to be doing? I am 22, graduated with an associates, have a job. Am in a relationship with someone who loves and cares for me, don't live off of my parents (anymore). I guess I'm just a little confused in where they are finding the right to be on their high horse. Where were they at my age? Where do they get off telling me that I am wrong or a failure. GRRRR it confuses me, which just frustrates me more. My Mom told me that I gave up school for Chad. How is graduating giving up? I mean sure I'm not in school right now, but that's because I can't afford it, not because I don't want to be. It's stupid, and I know I shouldn't let it get to me... but it does.
For the first time in a LONG time I am happy. I think about someone and smile because I love him with all my heart! And I know he loves me. For the first time since the douche bag, I can actually let myself be involved with someone, and think about possibly spending my life with him. It's still a scary thought, but I can think it with a smile. I am happy just knowing that I have him... and honestly if he IS the reason my entire family is disowning me........ then so be it. I would rather have someone who loves me for me, and who has been there knowing everything. Then a family that demands I fit this cookie cutter lifestyle, and the second I don't abandon me.
So that's all for this little rant. Whoever said that happiness is overrated has never been depressed for the majority of their life. Happiness is beautiful, and something to be desired and worked for. I think I'm going to start reading the book "stumbling upon happiness" :) Yay positive psychology!
Am I not doing what I am supposed to be doing? I am 22, graduated with an associates, have a job. Am in a relationship with someone who loves and cares for me, don't live off of my parents (anymore). I guess I'm just a little confused in where they are finding the right to be on their high horse. Where were they at my age? Where do they get off telling me that I am wrong or a failure. GRRRR it confuses me, which just frustrates me more. My Mom told me that I gave up school for Chad. How is graduating giving up? I mean sure I'm not in school right now, but that's because I can't afford it, not because I don't want to be. It's stupid, and I know I shouldn't let it get to me... but it does.
For the first time in a LONG time I am happy. I think about someone and smile because I love him with all my heart! And I know he loves me. For the first time since the douche bag, I can actually let myself be involved with someone, and think about possibly spending my life with him. It's still a scary thought, but I can think it with a smile. I am happy just knowing that I have him... and honestly if he IS the reason my entire family is disowning me........ then so be it. I would rather have someone who loves me for me, and who has been there knowing everything. Then a family that demands I fit this cookie cutter lifestyle, and the second I don't abandon me.
So that's all for this little rant. Whoever said that happiness is overrated has never been depressed for the majority of their life. Happiness is beautiful, and something to be desired and worked for. I think I'm going to start reading the book "stumbling upon happiness" :) Yay positive psychology!
Friday, June 10, 2011
shoot to thrill
Things have been different since you came home to me. Different in a good way. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel the change in you. The "I love yous" have passion behind them. You smile, and it feels like you want to be around me. :) We feel happy again! What doubt I had has been chased away by you. I told you of my doubts the other day. Not a fun day. But, a much needed talk between us. It feels good to be able to talk to you, and have you listen and give me your opinion. It feels amazing to have your support. You now know how much I have to fight. How many I have to answer to, just to be with you. But, as I always say.... You're worth it :) I love you more than I've ever loved anyone! The anger that I once had built up for you has melted away. I am no longer mean and spiteful. I smile once again.
Just like you said, we are going to fight... but that just shows we're not perfect. We are worth fighting for! And now that we talk a little more openly, I worry that much less. I would love to say I trust you blindly..... but I can't. Don't get me wrong, I trust you. I trust you with my heart, my love, my life. But all of that doesn't stop the knot I get in my stomach from time to time. That little twinge of fear and anxiety. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of that.I pray that some day I do. Some day, I hope that I can smile and laugh without the inward thoughts. who knows.
Anyways. I just wanted to post something happy for a change. I am so thankful for you. I really don't know what I would do without you. And even though we have made mistakes... I am willing to forgive. I am willing to put it behind us and work towards a better relationship. I love you Chadly.
Just like you said, we are going to fight... but that just shows we're not perfect. We are worth fighting for! And now that we talk a little more openly, I worry that much less. I would love to say I trust you blindly..... but I can't. Don't get me wrong, I trust you. I trust you with my heart, my love, my life. But all of that doesn't stop the knot I get in my stomach from time to time. That little twinge of fear and anxiety. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of that.I pray that some day I do. Some day, I hope that I can smile and laugh without the inward thoughts. who knows.
Anyways. I just wanted to post something happy for a change. I am so thankful for you. I really don't know what I would do without you. And even though we have made mistakes... I am willing to forgive. I am willing to put it behind us and work towards a better relationship. I love you Chadly.
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