like an onion I suppose

I feel as though I am surrounded by insecurity. Like there are layer upon layers closng me in. As insecurity seems to be a common theme for me, I can't help but wonder if there is a happy confident little me in the middle somewhere. I ask myself... have I ever been care free? I can't say completely happy... because I don't define happiness as care free like others do. Have I ever had a day where I didn't have to stress or worry about something? I've always been the type to play it safe. He says he wishes he could make me happier. If only he understood. He is the only man I have been completely open with. The only one that knows the real me. The ones that sees me play video games and get so mad, or cry for stupid reasons in my book. I can be myself around him, insecurities and all. He is the first one to truly love me. I wish I could trust him like he asks me to. I just wish I didn't feel this panic inside. I wish I wasn't smothered with anxiety about him cheating or leaving. I still don't know what to think or feel about everything. I just know that I love him. Maybe that will be the death of me.

finding vivid memories

I stumbled upon this blog last night. And read about myself as though I were not the one who wrote it. I honestly forgot I had created this. I do not write much anymore, and judging by the fact that no one I am following has been on in over a year, I doubt this will even be read. Yet here I am... typing away on my little smart phone. Life has become interesting, to say the least. I find myself engaged and playing the mother role with someone I never even thought would be my other half. And yet he is just that. After almost two years, I can't really imagine my life without him... or his beautiful little boy. Those who used to be major parts of my life have either turned away, or turned against me. And I sedomly even speak to those I designated as "family" in my first post. Aw, how things change so greatly in such a small time. It is as though by choosing this path, I left those behind me. It saddens me, but sometimes I feel I am honestly better off. I will try to update more often then once a year. But for now I must get ready for bed. Good night sweet world, with your sometimes bitter surprises.