like an onion I suppose

I feel as though I am surrounded by insecurity. Like there are layer upon layers closng me in. As insecurity seems to be a common theme for me, I can't help but wonder if there is a happy confident little me in the middle somewhere. I ask myself... have I ever been care free? I can't say completely happy... because I don't define happiness as care free like others do. Have I ever had a day where I didn't have to stress or worry about something? I've always been the type to play it safe. He says he wishes he could make me happier. If only he understood. He is the only man I have been completely open with. The only one that knows the real me. The ones that sees me play video games and get so mad, or cry for stupid reasons in my book. I can be myself around him, insecurities and all. He is the first one to truly love me. I wish I could trust him like he asks me to. I just wish I didn't feel this panic inside. I wish I wasn't smothered with anxiety about him cheating or leaving. I still don't know what to think or feel about everything. I just know that I love him. Maybe that will be the death of me.