SON OF A BIZNATCH!!!

I know I've been writing a lot lately.... OH WELLS :)

So, Brock came over last night and we cuddled on the couch and just slept there. Well, he slept... I couldn't for the life of me sleep. But that's okay, I was just enjoying laying in his arms :) (awww for cuters!!!) psh.

Okay, SO... Have you ever started dating someone and everything is going good. Like, you're not even bf/gf yet... just chillin and talking a lot. And of coarse all your friends are like OMG you guys are so cute together, you should just make it official! and You're like, NO... dude, don't ruin a good thing! I'm just getting to know them, and it's all chill right now. Then you're mom is like, OMG you totally LIKE them, it's so cute... this is going to be serious I just know it... and you're just like STFU mom. And of coarse, your Dad just teases you, calling them you're bf/gf. SO, you blush everytime someone mentions them, your face gets assaulted by a smile everytime they text you or walk in the room right? This is chill yet over obnoxious!!!! But then you start to realize, that your day royally sucks if they don't text you, and you get all warm and tingly inside when they text you the minute they get in their car to leave (*GAG*). So, you finally run out of shit to talk about for the day right??? Which is chill! You're doin homework/myspace/facepage... whatev and suddenly you start thinking about them... and you're like WTF dude, it's only been like 5 hours since we last talked. Then you get that knot in your stomach... ya know the one you get right before you go on a roller coaster for the first time. Where you're excited but scared shitless. And you're like SON OF A BITCH... I'm falling for them. GOD DAMN IT!

Ever have that happen???? yeah, me either!

The first of many poems to go on here

I've decided to put some of my poetry on here. I'll start with older stuff and YADDA YADDA YADDA. so, enjoy... and please feel free to criticize (nicely)

The Truth of a mirror

03/08/07

The cold smooth glass that stares back,

The insight that only it holds.

It speaks to me saying, you poor child

All those emotions and you're smiling.

I know your smile is a mask,

I see what others don't.

I see that you want to give up inside,

The you struggle, and try so hard.

And yet everyone is against you.

I will never lie to you... I will always show you who you are.

Trust me, know me, love me,

As I do you.

All will be well as soon as you become lost within me.

Who cares what others think!

You are no narcissist!

You deserve the truth,

The truth that only I can give...

The truth of the mirror.

Untitled

Unknown date probably summ 06

Sepparate on earth,

Together in her heart.

She wants to be there,

But it's falling apart.

She wants him to realize,

How much she cares.

She'll hold back her feelings,

And always be there.

She will watch as he plays,

And cry as he sleeps.

Never letting him know,

How often she weeps.

A morbid little love poem to describe our life.

2007 sometime

You slammed through the door into my life.

And with the very first touch, slipped me a knife.

Teaching me how to slowly carve.

And how eventually to empty my heart.

I needed you, you abandoned me.

When I got away, you pulled on my leash.

Now I sit and wait, needing you agian.

Hating myself, for not letting it end.

Freedom's what I need, Despair is what I get.

Yet I can't seem to escape the power of your net.

Please just let me go, please just bring me near.

Please just one more time... Whisper in my ear.

Please tell me how you love me,

And how I'm the one you need.

Please tell me all your lies,

Of how you'll wait for me.

Please lie to me, fill me full of false hopes.

Daring me to push that blade to my throat.

Please show me how I need you, and how I just might die

If I can't be with you, to fulfill a love divine.

The love that always existed, the one I'll always know,

And if you were to leave me, I wouldn't know where to go.

So please hole fast to my leash, and do not let me choose.

So if I dare stray... I'll always come back to you.

Always keeping this blade in my heart,

sometimes near my throat, reminding me.

Of how I'll love you forever,

And how you're the one I need.

Always that painful reminder

of this "divine" love

And this poor little "saint"

That needs her dark angel.

I needed you, You abandoned me.

When I got away, you pulled on my leash.

Now I sit and wait, needing you again.

Hating myself for not letting it end.

I can't escape you...

Well there ya go, three of my old poems. Hope you enjoyed!!!

<3>

It's been a while...since I could hold my head up high

I had a break down yesterday. I couldn't figure out why the hell I was so damn sad. Looking at the date today, I think I know why. Josh's Funeral was a month ago yesterday. I also walked into my grandma's room for the first time since the day she died yesterday. I wanted so badly to lay on the bottom of her bed and feel her touch my back like she used to. I made it to the bed, and touched it... but I couldn't go any further.I'm finally to the point where I feel comfortable in my house. I can be alone without panic attacks. I finally went to all my classes (well so far) this week. I never realized how busy I keep myself. I've been asked multiple times this week how I have a social life... I manage :D <--- that is the most retarded looking smiley face I think I have ever seen.

So, quite a bit has happened since I last wrote. I tried to write twice in the last few weeks, but couldn't bring myself to write more than a few sentences. I've been singing like crazy, which is beautiful. I know I'm not that great of a singer, but it feels amazing to be doing it again. I'm also drawing and writing again. I drew up a version of the tattoo that Lucki wants, I still don't know if I like it. I've also started writing my book again. (one of the many) :) It's strange how I'm actually going back to things that I used to do when I was happy. I haven't really sang in front of people since jr. year of HS. Like I said, it's amazing to be doing it again.

Okay, so... on to new events!!! WOOT

haha, well Saturday I went to Deaf Night Out with Cameo and Lucki at, "a bar named sue" It was my first time in a bar, and my first time in actual deaf culture. I was scared to death!!! We got there and just kinda stood in the corner for a bit. Cameo and I decided we wanted to dance but never quite made it to the dance floor because this deaf guy (brian) bought us drinks MMMM AMF'S :) I saw this really HOT guy who was signing and asked one of the teachers if she knew him. She didn't. So, we decided to go dance again, only this time with Lucki, Karen, and Rhonda. The totally hot guy walks by the dance floor and I pointed him out to Karen asking if she knew him. She ran over there and started signing to him. Asking if he was single and telling him that he needed to dance with me. OH MY GOD total, "someone please fucking shoot me" moment! Well he went to the bathroom and we all kept dancing. Karen kept pushing me towards him on the dance floor and finally I turned around and he was there. CAN YOU SAY EFFING HOT??? lawl. So we danced, then it was hot... literally and we went outside to smoke. So we start talking and introducing ourselves (in sign of coarse cuz he's deaf... AWESOME) anyways, he bought me a beer and stole some kisses and we went to denny's afterwards, and he's really hot, and cute, and sweet, and we're hanging out on Thursday, and I'm excited and scared at the same time, and yeah. *BREATH*

So, I dunno. I like him... but I don't know if I like that I like him... ya know. I'm really afraid to get hurt. And I realize that might just be the reason I keep going back to Patrick. I love the idea of someone loving me, and being in love; but the Idea of a relationship with a chance to get hurt again scares the hell out of me! I haven't been in a serious relationship since Damien. I mean the one relationship I did have was completely disfunctional and only lasted two weeks. I am one fucked up little girl :) But, I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to play it cool and see what happens.

I could have sworn I felt you with me today. While laying in laughter yoga I know you were there holding my hand just looking at me. You were trying to make me laugh, but I couldn't help crying. "why you crying kid" you had said... "I miss you" I replied, "I know" you smiled at me and just went back to staring upwards. It was like we were the only one's there... laying outside talking. It was wonderful, and heart breaking. I still miss you so much, and I know you're okay... maybe even happy.

As for my Grandma... The thought of never hearing her voice again still scares me. I still can't talk about her without crying. I still pick stuff out for her when I'm at the stores saying, "ooo Grandma would love that" I caught myself going to tell her goodbye the other day when I left the house. Maybe some form of her is still there, maybe I'm fucking losing it. Who knows.
Well, I think I'm going to put some poetry up on here :)

Laters :p