I had a break down yesterday. I couldn't figure out why the hell I was so damn sad. Looking at the date today, I think I know why. Josh's Funeral was a month ago yesterday. I also walked into my grandma's room for the first time since the day she died yesterday. I wanted so badly to lay on the bottom of her bed and feel her touch my back like she used to. I made it to the bed, and touched it... but I couldn't go any further.I'm finally to the point where I feel comfortable in my house. I can be alone without panic attacks. I finally went to all my classes (well so far) this week. I never realized how busy I keep myself. I've been asked multiple times this week how I have a social life... I manage :D <--- that is the most retarded looking smiley face I think I have ever seen.
So, quite a bit has happened since I last wrote. I tried to write twice in the last few weeks, but couldn't bring myself to write more than a few sentences. I've been singing like crazy, which is beautiful. I know I'm not that great of a singer, but it feels amazing to be doing it again. I'm also drawing and writing again. I drew up a version of the tattoo that Lucki wants, I still don't know if I like it. I've also started writing my book again. (one of the many) :) It's strange how I'm actually going back to things that I used to do when I was happy. I haven't really sang in front of people since jr. year of HS. Like I said, it's amazing to be doing it again.
Okay, so... on to new events!!! WOOT
haha, well Saturday I went to Deaf Night Out with Cameo and Lucki at, "a bar named sue" It was my first time in a bar, and my first time in actual deaf culture. I was scared to death!!! We got there and just kinda stood in the corner for a bit. Cameo and I decided we wanted to dance but never quite made it to the dance floor because this deaf guy (brian) bought us drinks MMMM AMF'S :) I saw this really HOT guy who was signing and asked one of the teachers if she knew him. She didn't. So, we decided to go dance again, only this time with Lucki, Karen, and Rhonda. The totally hot guy walks by the dance floor and I pointed him out to Karen asking if she knew him. She ran over there and started signing to him. Asking if he was single and telling him that he needed to dance with me. OH MY GOD total, "someone please fucking shoot me" moment! Well he went to the bathroom and we all kept dancing. Karen kept pushing me towards him on the dance floor and finally I turned around and he was there. CAN YOU SAY EFFING HOT??? lawl. So we danced, then it was hot... literally and we went outside to smoke. So we start talking and introducing ourselves (in sign of coarse cuz he's deaf... AWESOME) anyways, he bought me a beer and stole some kisses and we went to denny's afterwards, and he's really hot, and cute, and sweet, and we're hanging out on Thursday, and I'm excited and scared at the same time, and yeah. *BREATH*
So, I dunno. I like him... but I don't know if I like that I like him... ya know. I'm really afraid to get hurt. And I realize that might just be the reason I keep going back to Patrick. I love the idea of someone loving me, and being in love; but the Idea of a relationship with a chance to get hurt again scares the hell out of me! I haven't been in a serious relationship since Damien. I mean the one relationship I did have was completely disfunctional and only lasted two weeks. I am one fucked up little girl :) But, I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to play it cool and see what happens.
I could have sworn I felt you with me today. While laying in laughter yoga I know you were there holding my hand just looking at me. You were trying to make me laugh, but I couldn't help crying. "why you crying kid" you had said... "I miss you" I replied, "I know" you smiled at me and just went back to staring upwards. It was like we were the only one's there... laying outside talking. It was wonderful, and heart breaking. I still miss you so much, and I know you're okay... maybe even happy.
As for my Grandma... The thought of never hearing her voice again still scares me. I still can't talk about her without crying. I still pick stuff out for her when I'm at the stores saying, "ooo Grandma would love that" I caught myself going to tell her goodbye the other day when I left the house. Maybe some form of her is still there, maybe I'm fucking losing it. Who knows.
Well, I think I'm going to put some poetry up on here :)
Laters :p
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