It's been a while...

Have you ever laid there staring into someone's eyes? Not someone you're dating, but someone you are considering being with. How did you feel? For the first time, in a long time, I found something I absolutely love. I found someone I'm comfortable with... Someone I can make faces with and can joke around with. And I don't even know him that well yet. :) So, what now. I know the last few blogs have been about falling and realizing the stupidity of it all, and blah blah blah. But what now? People have told me to be careful around him, and to just move on. So, what is it about him that keeps me interested. It isn't a sexual tension that gets me giddy (like the rest have been) it's genuine interest. I can see spending time with him and being around him... and GAH! He makes me smile so much! so.... here we go. hmmmmmm..... what is it about him that makes me want to cuddle into his arms, breathe in the smell of him, and be so comforted. How is it possible that I found someone I'm so damn comfortable with. Let's just hope he doesn't live up to what I've been told :/

At war with myself... and I'm losing

Well,as much fun as last night was... it was a huge wake up call! Hanging out with her and her friends was way fun, and I could even look past the fact that both her and I used to be his. Until we started talking about him. We shared stories, thoughts, arguments, a lot. We even shared texts... reading those texts that he sent her and realizing how close they were to mine. Damn near the same concept in different words. And what I've known for years very suddenly smacks me in the face. I was just being played. The person I have loved more than anyone, and I have loved for most of my life, has just been playing me. Isn't that a beautiful concept? So, what to do? Having slept on it, and read a book today... I still really don't know.

I could get pissed off and confront him on it... but what would that accomplish? He would just deny it, or make up some bull shit story and take me into his arms and I'd be one step forward 16 steps back. I could open my fucking eyes and realize that my dreams of a "perfect" partner were all a lie created by some sick little boy who enjoys fucking with other's emotions. But somehow (and I really don't know how) I can't. I can't believe that everything he has told me has been a lie. I can't believe that I'm just a notch on his belt that he comes back to when his current toy gets sick of him... even though I know it's the truth. I could burn every letter/note/poem to or about him, but that's like 9 years of writing I don't want to lose.

The thought that is most prominent in my head...... He's just like Damien, Damien was just better at playing the game. That kills me to say! I'm starting, once again, to doubt my worth...am I meant to be some sick little toy to every man I love? Was I created to always be played? What the hell is so fucking pathetic about me that I continue to be used.

What bothers me, I see myself changing. I see myself shying away from any real feelings. I feel myself becoming a player. I hate that, but I can't be hurt anymore. Obviously, the men I love don't love me...so why should I love? Why not just get my kicks? I can't even think that without feeling like a horrible person :/ The idea of deliberately hurting someone saddens me. And that's it, that's the entire reason I am cursed to be a toy. I care too damn much. I always have. I would rather live in misery than to see someone hurt for a split second. Especially if I love them. It's rediculous.

I'm kicking myself in the ass for falling for his games. For believing that he could actually love me. For believing I was special. I'm an idiot. I thought it was okay when Damien did it, I thought I was just naieve... but to go along with it for 7 years... that's just stupid. Part of me wants to beat myself up for it... but I know that's a downward spiral that I don't want to take again.

So I'm left here, with the bits of my life sitting in my lap, wondering what to do. Wondering who I can turn to now. He was sort of my back up plan, "it's okay eventually he'll pull his head out of his ass, and we'll live happily-ever-after" HA... please. What a fool!

The sad thing is, I really don't trust ANY guy. I don't honestly believe that a guy can be with me and not cheat. That thought alone is heart-breaking. I'm so afraid that I'll get hurt, that I seek out the players. And if they might actually be a decent person, or have an actual (non-physical) interest in me I freak. Why is that? Why am I hoping not to hear from the guy I met last night? The one who told me I was beautiful, and even noticed the color of my eyes. Is it a fear of being hurt; a fear that he'll be just another player? or is it a fear of being happy?

I feel, myself and my sanity are in jeorpardy... can I survive this without losing myself? Can I stop being a toy without becoming a player? Can I finally kick his ass out of my life?

I guess we'll find out in the next few weeks....

XXASHESXX

soooooooooo yeah

WEll, it's been a while!

So, updates, ummm.... the whole Brock thing didn't work out (oh well) and I still don't really understand why, but WHATEV. I've started talking to an old friend again (we grew up together...well like elementary and jr. high) It's nice to talk to him, not to mention he's totally EFFING hot!

I fear I have reached a point in my life, where I need to choose a side. I feel like I need to either stay in the possition I'm in and continue to be played, or start doing the playing. I don't want to become a player... but I'm really sick of being played! Ah the choices we must make in life. HURT or BE HURT... I hate it!

So, I went to my grandmother's grave for the first time since the funeral Monday. All I could think was, my Grandma is claustrophobic. I kept envisioning her screaming and pounding on the lid of the casket. Screaming for me to help her. Let's just say it wasn't a very long visit. It's weird to think that she's been gone for a month now, and Josh has been gone two. I still feel Josh all the damn time. I'm not complaining, I just wish I didn't cry. I'm still having dreams about my grandma... the same dream over and over. We say a little more to eachother every time though. Maybe one day we'll actually talk and I won't wake up in tears. I might go to Josh's grave for the first time since his funeral on sunday... we'll see.

Other than that nothing has really changed. School still sucks, Cam and Lucki are still there and crazy, Mike and Pat are still being Mike and Pat. OH, speaking of Pat... I've reached that point... ya know, the one where I don't care anymore. The one where I start to actually believe that I don't need him in my life, and that he's not the one I'm supposed to marry and life happily ever after with. I love this point... my world becomes peaceful! Don't get me wrong, I'll always love him... the sheer NEED for him just goes back in it's little box. I repair myself again, and continue with my life. I'm getting better... it only took a little over a month this time.

Did I mention my parents are getting married??? YES both of them, NO not to eachother. GREAT right? I really don't know how I feel about it, but hey, they're both grown up.

ummm I think that's everything.......

<3