soooooooooo yeah

WEll, it's been a while!

So, updates, ummm.... the whole Brock thing didn't work out (oh well) and I still don't really understand why, but WHATEV. I've started talking to an old friend again (we grew up together...well like elementary and jr. high) It's nice to talk to him, not to mention he's totally EFFING hot!

I fear I have reached a point in my life, where I need to choose a side. I feel like I need to either stay in the possition I'm in and continue to be played, or start doing the playing. I don't want to become a player... but I'm really sick of being played! Ah the choices we must make in life. HURT or BE HURT... I hate it!

So, I went to my grandmother's grave for the first time since the funeral Monday. All I could think was, my Grandma is claustrophobic. I kept envisioning her screaming and pounding on the lid of the casket. Screaming for me to help her. Let's just say it wasn't a very long visit. It's weird to think that she's been gone for a month now, and Josh has been gone two. I still feel Josh all the damn time. I'm not complaining, I just wish I didn't cry. I'm still having dreams about my grandma... the same dream over and over. We say a little more to eachother every time though. Maybe one day we'll actually talk and I won't wake up in tears. I might go to Josh's grave for the first time since his funeral on sunday... we'll see.

Other than that nothing has really changed. School still sucks, Cam and Lucki are still there and crazy, Mike and Pat are still being Mike and Pat. OH, speaking of Pat... I've reached that point... ya know, the one where I don't care anymore. The one where I start to actually believe that I don't need him in my life, and that he's not the one I'm supposed to marry and life happily ever after with. I love this point... my world becomes peaceful! Don't get me wrong, I'll always love him... the sheer NEED for him just goes back in it's little box. I repair myself again, and continue with my life. I'm getting better... it only took a little over a month this time.

Did I mention my parents are getting married??? YES both of them, NO not to eachother. GREAT right? I really don't know how I feel about it, but hey, they're both grown up.

ummm I think that's everything.......

<3