Well,as much fun as last night was... it was a huge wake up call! Hanging out with her and her friends was way fun, and I could even look past the fact that both her and I used to be his. Until we started talking about him. We shared stories, thoughts, arguments, a lot. We even shared texts... reading those texts that he sent her and realizing how close they were to mine. Damn near the same concept in different words. And what I've known for years very suddenly smacks me in the face. I was just being played. The person I have loved more than anyone, and I have loved for most of my life, has just been playing me. Isn't that a beautiful concept? So, what to do? Having slept on it, and read a book today... I still really don't know.
I could get pissed off and confront him on it... but what would that accomplish? He would just deny it, or make up some bull shit story and take me into his arms and I'd be one step forward 16 steps back. I could open my fucking eyes and realize that my dreams of a "perfect" partner were all a lie created by some sick little boy who enjoys fucking with other's emotions. But somehow (and I really don't know how) I can't. I can't believe that everything he has told me has been a lie. I can't believe that I'm just a notch on his belt that he comes back to when his current toy gets sick of him... even though I know it's the truth. I could burn every letter/note/poem to or about him, but that's like 9 years of writing I don't want to lose.
The thought that is most prominent in my head...... He's just like Damien, Damien was just better at playing the game. That kills me to say! I'm starting, once again, to doubt my worth...am I meant to be some sick little toy to every man I love? Was I created to always be played? What the hell is so fucking pathetic about me that I continue to be used.
What bothers me, I see myself changing. I see myself shying away from any real feelings. I feel myself becoming a player. I hate that, but I can't be hurt anymore. Obviously, the men I love don't love me...so why should I love? Why not just get my kicks? I can't even think that without feeling like a horrible person :/ The idea of deliberately hurting someone saddens me. And that's it, that's the entire reason I am cursed to be a toy. I care too damn much. I always have. I would rather live in misery than to see someone hurt for a split second. Especially if I love them. It's rediculous.
I'm kicking myself in the ass for falling for his games. For believing that he could actually love me. For believing I was special. I'm an idiot. I thought it was okay when Damien did it, I thought I was just naieve... but to go along with it for 7 years... that's just stupid. Part of me wants to beat myself up for it... but I know that's a downward spiral that I don't want to take again.
So I'm left here, with the bits of my life sitting in my lap, wondering what to do. Wondering who I can turn to now. He was sort of my back up plan, "it's okay eventually he'll pull his head out of his ass, and we'll live happily-ever-after" HA... please. What a fool!
The sad thing is, I really don't trust ANY guy. I don't honestly believe that a guy can be with me and not cheat. That thought alone is heart-breaking. I'm so afraid that I'll get hurt, that I seek out the players. And if they might actually be a decent person, or have an actual (non-physical) interest in me I freak. Why is that? Why am I hoping not to hear from the guy I met last night? The one who told me I was beautiful, and even noticed the color of my eyes. Is it a fear of being hurt; a fear that he'll be just another player? or is it a fear of being happy?
I feel, myself and my sanity are in jeorpardy... can I survive this without losing myself? Can I stop being a toy without becoming a player? Can I finally kick his ass out of my life?
I guess we'll find out in the next few weeks....
XXASHESXX
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