I've shut myself down. In hopes to protect myself and "get over" my losses this year I don't even know how to really feel anymore. That scares me. Shouldn't I be happy, shouldn't I be sad... shouldn't I remember they are gone? Rev theory "broken bones" really fits. I just wish I could feel. Wish I could be sure of something... anything! I feel bad, because I can't feel. I mean... I feel, but not much. A minor excitement, some anger... a loss of some kind. If anything, I just feel alone. Stressed and alone. I scare myself. How can I subconsciously keep myself SO busy that I forget to have emotion. I thought I was okay... I was wrong. Just because I found a way to ignore the pain, doesn't mean it's better. Sitting here... It just kinda hit me. How much I miss her, how I've been avoiding the fact that she's gone. That they both are. I just want to run away... and I can't. So I have subconsciously. I don't feel anymore... I hate it.
I feel like I should explain this to him... but I don't really understand it. How do you explain a wall, that is in place not just because you are scared... but because if one emotion starts, you'll break down. You'll lose all that beautiful composure you have built up in the last few months. You'll FEEL. It's amazing I'm functioning... and I shouldn't put that on him. Shouldn't show him... shouldn't rely on him. Or should I? Maybe he can help...
The question is, Do I want to feel? Do I want to face these things. Do I want to lose them both all over again? I don't understand how I can watch them both laying in a casket and still deny it all. Still believe that they are both with me... both still here. NO, Josh is just away at a concert.... and Grandma just isn't home right now. Right? NO, those graves are all lies... they can't really be in there. They wouldn't leave me.... I need help.
And him... he couldn't possibly like me. NO, that's unheard of. But see.... when some emotion peeks through, I'm thrilled by him. I want to lay in his arms, and feel his heart beat! Then I shut down again... and I'm so unsure about the whole thing. How unfair I am...
I'm torn on the idea of going back to feeling. On the one hand, I don't hurt anymore. I mean... I don't get hurt now. I just brush it off. I think I'm incapable of being emotionally attached anymore. And I'm still functioning, right? On the other hand... I want to love. I want to be happy. I want some enjoyment or excitement. I want something. And I sure as hell don't want to hurt him.
So it comes down to two options......
DO I try to break down these walls and try to feel again?
Or do I continue to let this shell of myself make it's rutine through my life?
.... I just don't know.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Forever searching for what we were promised...
I'm becoming a sort of cynic in these last few weeks, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Truth be told, I would much rather be optimistic about the world... but lets face it, there isn't much room for that now-a-days. I really don't know what's come over me... but it's like I have so much trouble trusting people now. And damn near NO sympathy for anyone!
However, this will be a sort of bitch session of my own.
I have realized (and I mean truly realized, I already knew these things but ignored them) a lot recently. First off, My parents... Oh what a lovely couple of people. I realize that as the years go by, I respect my parents less and less. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and appreciate the hell out of them! I would be in hell without them both. But, as people... OMG. My mother is an alcoholic, and I worry about her constantly. She's one of those "That couldn't possibly happen to me" and I dread the day I get a phone call where she's either dead or in jail. My father doesn't know a damn thing about me, which would be understandable if we didn't live together (just the two of us, for over a year). Both of my parents are, well... lets just say morally unsound. And I really do not approve... but hey, who am I to say what's right or not :) Some of my friends, scratch that, MOST of my friends are flakes. Which is somewhat understandable... I guess. I am 21 years old, and actually pretty happy with myself at this moment. In that, I feel safe and complete in my life right now. I do however, need to get a job and a place of my own, but that will come in due time. My priority (once again) is school, and I love that. Let's just hope this time a dumb ass boy won't help me to ruin it lol.
While reading one of my books (and I have to say "one of my books" because I read more than one at a time) I read that Everything that has happened in this life is merely a consequence of something you at some point did. While thinking about this, I realized it really is true! This life is merely a game of action and consequence... and yet everyone sits here waiting for the "happily ever after" we were promised to arive. EVERYONE just sits and waits for it to get better. When in reality, by just waiting they are missing their chances. I don't know... maybe I am just being really cynical. I guess, this is just... in a way, my commiting to actually searching and thriving for what I want. Instead of waiting for things to come to me.
Have a great night, and thanks for putting up with bitch sessions :)
~Ashes
However, this will be a sort of bitch session of my own.
I have realized (and I mean truly realized, I already knew these things but ignored them) a lot recently. First off, My parents... Oh what a lovely couple of people. I realize that as the years go by, I respect my parents less and less. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and appreciate the hell out of them! I would be in hell without them both. But, as people... OMG. My mother is an alcoholic, and I worry about her constantly. She's one of those "That couldn't possibly happen to me" and I dread the day I get a phone call where she's either dead or in jail. My father doesn't know a damn thing about me, which would be understandable if we didn't live together (just the two of us, for over a year). Both of my parents are, well... lets just say morally unsound. And I really do not approve... but hey, who am I to say what's right or not :) Some of my friends, scratch that, MOST of my friends are flakes. Which is somewhat understandable... I guess. I am 21 years old, and actually pretty happy with myself at this moment. In that, I feel safe and complete in my life right now. I do however, need to get a job and a place of my own, but that will come in due time. My priority (once again) is school, and I love that. Let's just hope this time a dumb ass boy won't help me to ruin it lol.
While reading one of my books (and I have to say "one of my books" because I read more than one at a time) I read that Everything that has happened in this life is merely a consequence of something you at some point did. While thinking about this, I realized it really is true! This life is merely a game of action and consequence... and yet everyone sits here waiting for the "happily ever after" we were promised to arive. EVERYONE just sits and waits for it to get better. When in reality, by just waiting they are missing their chances. I don't know... maybe I am just being really cynical. I guess, this is just... in a way, my commiting to actually searching and thriving for what I want. Instead of waiting for things to come to me.
Have a great night, and thanks for putting up with bitch sessions :)
~Ashes
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Well aint it funny how life has changed me???
...I used to be a dreamer to.
Anyways. building off of the last blog, how is it that I found someone with that special little, hell I dunno what to call it. It's like, if I'm have a bad day and he hugs me... I feel better :) and I actually feel safe in his arms. And omg, he is so gorgeous when he smiles! The way his face lights up, and GAH! This sucks!
yup yup. So, I signed up for TKD world camp a three days ago. Yeah, I'll be in Colorado from june13-june18 JOY. I dunno, like I want to go... but It's intimidating. Well, I'm exhausted! I only slept for like 4 hours (Yay cuddling!)
LATERS :D
~Ashes
Anyways. building off of the last blog, how is it that I found someone with that special little, hell I dunno what to call it. It's like, if I'm have a bad day and he hugs me... I feel better :) and I actually feel safe in his arms. And omg, he is so gorgeous when he smiles! The way his face lights up, and GAH! This sucks!
yup yup. So, I signed up for TKD world camp a three days ago. Yeah, I'll be in Colorado from june13-june18 JOY. I dunno, like I want to go... but It's intimidating. Well, I'm exhausted! I only slept for like 4 hours (Yay cuddling!)
LATERS :D
~Ashes
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