Break me down

Today I reached my breaking point.

Everything that is going on finally got to me. I don't know why, but this last semester has been the hardest for me. With my first D ever. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. Should I give up and join the full time work force? I have seven months to be able to support myself. seven months to pay for both school and living. I'm screwed.

Christmas is at the end of this week. 5 days. And I don't even feel excited. That saddens me. Has this year taken so much out of me, that I don't even care anymore. YES. I don't try to keep Mom and I together anymore. I gave up on that. I'm tired of being her scape goat. I gave up on perfect grades so that I could have a job. And I gave up a full time job so that I could go to school.

I gave up trying to find someone so that I could focus on me. And I gave up focusing on me so that I could try to find someone.

Funny how life works sometimes isn't it. SO now what to do. It is the holidays and as per usual I am single... which I really don't mind. A new semester starts Janurary tenth (I think)

so what to do, what to do. Focus on me? Try to anyways. I want to go back to being my carefree self. I miss me so much. I want to go back to having fun and being a goof all the time. I want to be happy and passionate. Where did all my passion go? Once again I'm this shell running throught the ritual of my day to day. Not really enjoying anything. Even dancing has become a habitual thing for me. I need a new spark. A new passion. A new something to thrive on. *sigh*

I need yet another new me

~ASHES

It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high

What an interesting while its been. Since I last wrote I've been in and out of three relationships. As the year starts to come to an end I can't help but look back at the person I was. This year has been hell! I've learned that it's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to open up. Most importantly, I've learned that it's really okay to be alone.
I always think they are the one, they are perfect. They will make me forget about him. Its never true. I'm still trying to be less of a toy. Less of something to be used and tossed aside. And yet I'm still getting so attached. "you keep dating douche bags" "You keep dating the same douchebag over and over again" Isn't it funny how your friends see everything so clearly. Yet you're sitting there in the fucking dark going "ummm a little help please guys"
Maybe one day I'll learn... but for now I'm going to focus on me and hopefully my magick. I'm going to make myself the strongest I can. Physically, emotionally, and supernaturally. This will be an interesting journey. And hopefully I can talk my mentor into helping me again. Hell, he needs it too. Usually one of us is pulling the other back onto their feet and handing them a map. This time we're both standing up, brushing our knees off, and heading down the road together. Well, we have plenty of company.
Anyways I'm going to freak... so I'll write more later.

Much love, strength, wisdom, and positive energy.
XOXO Ash/Nik