Break me down

Today I reached my breaking point.

Everything that is going on finally got to me. I don't know why, but this last semester has been the hardest for me. With my first D ever. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. Should I give up and join the full time work force? I have seven months to be able to support myself. seven months to pay for both school and living. I'm screwed.

Christmas is at the end of this week. 5 days. And I don't even feel excited. That saddens me. Has this year taken so much out of me, that I don't even care anymore. YES. I don't try to keep Mom and I together anymore. I gave up on that. I'm tired of being her scape goat. I gave up on perfect grades so that I could have a job. And I gave up a full time job so that I could go to school.

I gave up trying to find someone so that I could focus on me. And I gave up focusing on me so that I could try to find someone.

Funny how life works sometimes isn't it. SO now what to do. It is the holidays and as per usual I am single... which I really don't mind. A new semester starts Janurary tenth (I think)

so what to do, what to do. Focus on me? Try to anyways. I want to go back to being my carefree self. I miss me so much. I want to go back to having fun and being a goof all the time. I want to be happy and passionate. Where did all my passion go? Once again I'm this shell running throught the ritual of my day to day. Not really enjoying anything. Even dancing has become a habitual thing for me. I need a new spark. A new passion. A new something to thrive on. *sigh*

I need yet another new me

~ASHES