As if by magic

My last post couldn't have described my life better. "A shell running through my life." However it is a new year. I made it through new years with only a few tears. I made it through my Grandmothers b-day without any tears what-so-ever. So why all the smiles? As per usual he took his cue and came sweeping back into my life. However, this time he brought friends. I've been staying with friends since new years eve. One word, "bliss". It feels amazing to be spending time with people who care. People whom I can talk to and they actually listen. People who are excited when I walk in the door and smile as opposed to the negative energy I walk into at home.

He noticed that I started singing the other day. All he did was smile and hug me. "that's awesome." He said. He knows me so well. He knows that my singing is a sign of happiness. That I immerse myself into the world of art when I don't feel so lost and dead inside. Just this week I've been singing, dancing, and drawing. This week I've been myself. And I missed her so much. Why is it that every time he comes back into my life, I become the me I want to be? Is he that much of who I am. When he leaves, a part of myself leaves with him? Or am I just so comfortable and happy around him that myself comes back out to play?

So many talks these last few days. I've just been silently storing all that has been said. Inside, I would like to say that I'm torn... but that would be a lie. I will admit that I am cautious. I know what's at risk, and this time it's not just my heart. Yet this smile stays in place. I can't go an hour without thinking about it. Can't go a day without smiling about him.

And the famous words of "here we go" sit at the tip of my tongue. Waiting to be released like one of the plagues. And yet this feels different. I feel stronger. Could it possibly work this time? Granted we both agreed that nothing is to happen right now... but in the future, could it be? My mind is savagely pillaged with thoughts. The two sides of a great war start to take arms and I am left in the middle to watch myself fight.

One phrase from a song is stuck in my mind. "Take these broken wings and learn to fly"

Welcome 2011

XOXO~ ASH