"These thoughts encase my heart. These questions haunt my mind. Knowing I love you is not enough to keep the walls from building. I trusted you not to hurt me, but now my guard is up. Did I fight to save something doomed? Did I put a bandage on something with an open chest wound? Are we just pretending everything you said that day was a lie? How could you? How could you say such things? I ask myself why I fought, something I have never done before. But all I could think about was laying in your arms, feeling your heart beat. Knowing I love you. Too needy? Is craving you so needy? I crave your touch, your kiss, the feel of you. In a way, I guess it could be considered a need. Trust is so easily broken and so heavily earned. What can I say? I feel myself distancing from you. Find myself contemplating what life would be like without you. You would be happy and survive, maybe even be better off. What would I be like? How would I live day to day? Could I make it out alive or would I become something cold like I was before you? I wish I knew which statement of yours to believe. Why do I feel like we actually broke up? Like I lost you? Like somewhere, I did something wrong? Like somehow I'm not good enough for you? You are the one that deserves better my love. You deserve the best. Someone to fulfill you. Although, I doubt someone could love you as I do."
I wrote those words the day after I almost lost you. It's been a week and a half now. In that time I've Graduated, and we found out something very important. Now as I sit here while you are at work I think to myself. How do I really feel? I know I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone. But why am I so invested this time when I wasn't the last time? I asked you why you love me. When you wouldn't answer, I started to ask myself why I love you. I think the answer changes all the time. Its the little things you do to make me smile, or the way you touch me and give me the chills. Its the way you are with Kayleb, or you just holding me in your arms. Its the stupid faces and noises you do. Or the pouting when you don't get your way. Its everything really. :) The truth is I love you. And I know that. I know that if you do leave me, I will be devastated.... but I will not stop loving you. I proudly wear this ring on my hand, and smile when anyone notices it. Because I am happy with you. Happier than I have ever been with anyone. I love you Chadly, and although you will not read this. I hope you never forget that!
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