The tears come strong again

This has become my sort of online journal. Doubting anyone even reads this anymore gives me a sense of security... even if it is false. I keep randomly breaking down today, and even though I know there is a perfectly good reason for it. I still can't help but get annoyed. I can't help but feel like I'm losing. Not only losing him, but losing myself. Slipping back into that depressive state that I loathe so much. And yet it seems I can't avoid it in a relationship. Maybe I am meant to stay single. That's a scary thought. I don't do well with being alone. And yet here alone I sit. On today of all days. And I start to cry again. Not that he cares. As long as he is having fun with his friends. Part of me wants to reach out to anyone who will care. Another part says grow up you're strong enough to do this alone. So I sit here and bounce back and forth between tears and boredom.

I can't help but wonder if it's a fault of mine or his. I KNOW he should be here. It's wrong of him to be gone. Friends want to support me more than he does. He's always saying he's the best boyfriend I'll ever have... HA one that's not hard to do, and two if this is the best maybe I'll go lesbian. Is there anyone in existence that can make me happy? Am I really built to be that miserable? Am I really that inconsolible? I don't want the meds, don't want the depression, don't want the problems. I sure as hell don't want to fight anymore. They say everything worth anything is worth fighting for... but what happens when you're starting to get too tired to fight. What if it's such a one sided fight, that you have to exhaust yourself on a daily basis.

He says he loves you. It feels so formal, so shallow. If he loves me, why isn't he here catching my tears? Why is it that familiar old voice making me smile? Of coarse it is. It always does. He's stopped more tears than he's ever caused. I should know better by now... but that voice is still so comforting.

So here I sit. Asking myself if I should stay or go. The age old question.