like an onion I suppose

I feel as though I am surrounded by insecurity. Like there are layer upon layers closng me in. As insecurity seems to be a common theme for me, I can't help but wonder if there is a happy confident little me in the middle somewhere. I ask myself... have I ever been care free? I can't say completely happy... because I don't define happiness as care free like others do. Have I ever had a day where I didn't have to stress or worry about something? I've always been the type to play it safe. He says he wishes he could make me happier. If only he understood. He is the only man I have been completely open with. The only one that knows the real me. The ones that sees me play video games and get so mad, or cry for stupid reasons in my book. I can be myself around him, insecurities and all. He is the first one to truly love me. I wish I could trust him like he asks me to. I just wish I didn't feel this panic inside. I wish I wasn't smothered with anxiety about him cheating or leaving. I still don't know what to think or feel about everything. I just know that I love him. Maybe that will be the death of me.

finding vivid memories

I stumbled upon this blog last night. And read about myself as though I were not the one who wrote it. I honestly forgot I had created this. I do not write much anymore, and judging by the fact that no one I am following has been on in over a year, I doubt this will even be read. Yet here I am... typing away on my little smart phone. Life has become interesting, to say the least. I find myself engaged and playing the mother role with someone I never even thought would be my other half. And yet he is just that. After almost two years, I can't really imagine my life without him... or his beautiful little boy. Those who used to be major parts of my life have either turned away, or turned against me. And I sedomly even speak to those I designated as "family" in my first post. Aw, how things change so greatly in such a small time. It is as though by choosing this path, I left those behind me. It saddens me, but sometimes I feel I am honestly better off. I will try to update more often then once a year. But for now I must get ready for bed. Good night sweet world, with your sometimes bitter surprises.

at battle with my insecurities... BRB

A full week of working on my insecurities and nothing to show for it. Isn't it funny how it takes so much work to build up your self consciousness and only one instance to destroy it. I spent a week dressing up, trying to figure out how to make myself happier, trying to be more comfortable with myself. I became cocky. I got to a point of doing something I almost never do, and in turn I got shut down. Immediately my insecurities came rushing back and I found myself drowning in my world of darkness once again. I just don't understand. Why do I have to struggle so much to be happy. Why does unhappiness come so naturally for me? Why do I have to boost myself just to feel decent about myself. FUCK I'm sick of it.

Just one incidence and he's destroyed all of my work. But that's how it goes I guess. Now I can either work with what I've got, go back to building myself up, or continue on this downward spiral

Fighting a losing battle with myself

How exactly do you fight your inner demons? How do you look your insecurities in the face and tell them to get lost? What happens when they won't stand to fight you? **SIGH** I have realized that maybe creating a "new" me every time something went wrong was maybe not the best idea. Now I have so many "me"s that I don't know which one to fall back on. As I am on the brink of losing my family, I can't help but reflect upon myself.
Am I not doing what I am supposed to be doing? I am 22, graduated with an associates, have a job. Am in a relationship with someone who loves and cares for me, don't live off of my parents (anymore). I guess I'm just a little confused in where they are finding the right to be on their high horse. Where were they at my age? Where do they get off telling me that I am wrong or a failure. GRRRR it confuses me, which just frustrates me more. My Mom told me that I gave up school for Chad. How is graduating giving up? I mean sure I'm not in school right now, but that's because I can't afford it, not because I don't want to be. It's stupid, and I know I shouldn't let it get to me... but it does.
For the first time in a LONG time I am happy. I think about someone and smile because I love him with all my heart! And I know he loves me. For the first time since the douche bag, I can actually let myself be involved with someone, and think about possibly spending my life with him. It's still a scary thought, but I can think it with a smile. I am happy just knowing that I have him... and honestly if he IS the reason my entire family is disowning me........ then so be it. I would rather have someone who loves me for me, and who has been there knowing everything. Then a family that demands I fit this cookie cutter lifestyle, and the second I don't abandon me.

So that's all for this little rant. Whoever said that happiness is overrated has never been depressed for the majority of their life. Happiness is beautiful, and something to be desired and worked for. I think I'm going to start reading the book "stumbling upon happiness" :) Yay positive psychology!

shoot to thrill

Things have been different since you came home to me. Different in a good way. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel the change in you. The "I love yous" have passion behind them. You smile, and it feels like you want to be around me. :) We feel happy again! What doubt I had has been chased away by you. I told you of my doubts the other day. Not a fun day. But, a much needed talk between us. It feels good to be able to talk to you, and have you listen and give me your opinion. It feels amazing to have your support. You now know how much I have to fight. How many I have to answer to, just to be with you. But, as I always say.... You're worth it :) I love you more than I've ever loved anyone! The anger that I once had built up for you has melted away. I am no longer mean and spiteful. I smile once again.

Just like you said, we are going to fight... but that just shows we're not perfect. We are worth fighting for! And now that we talk a little more openly, I worry that much less. I would love to say I trust you blindly..... but I can't. Don't get me wrong, I trust you. I trust you with my heart, my love, my life. But all of that doesn't stop the knot I get in my stomach from time to time. That little twinge of fear and anxiety. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of that.I pray that some day I do. Some day, I hope that I can smile and laugh without the inward thoughts. who knows.

Anyways. I just wanted to post something happy for a change. I am so thankful for you. I really don't know what I would do without you. And even though we have made mistakes... I am willing to forgive. I am willing to put it behind us and work towards a better relationship. I love you Chadly.

if you give me a chance....

Just a little something. It's a little rhymtastic for my taste... but hey, when it comes out in rhyme there's not much I can do.

Here we are my friend, weeping willows once again. So please just hold me close and let my tears slide away. There are far too many, this I know. But some day, I'll build my house on these tears I've made.

And one day I'll have a tree of my own. One that I've planted, watered, and grown. It will stand tall upon my experience, and the pain that I have shown. So let these tears water it, and please lets just watch it grow. While you hold me and don't let me go.

I like to dream of forever, this is foolish I know. For now I'm thankful we're together, and you hold me while I break down. They say we're bad together, you say we're meant to be. I just close my eyes and try to drown out the noise.

You're my knight with too much armor, and I'm your princess with a sour tongue. If you let your guard down, I promise to do the same. Both too scared to let go, and too spiteful to hold on. we're drowning each other.


I sit here without you now, knowing this is good for us. Suffering from a combination of boredom and loneliness. Well Suffering isn't quite the word. In a way I miss you, in another... I'm enjoying the time a part. I wonder how you are feeling?

Isn't it funny how sometimes a huge fight is what you need? Since the last fight I feel like you've actually been trying. Like you're reaching out again. The I love you's don't feel shallow now. I have hope. I just pray that it isn't a false hope. I try my damnedest to trust you completely. Everyone says that's stupid of me. But is it so stupid to trust. I mean worst case you destroy me. I can rebuild myself yet again. Are you really any more of a threat than anyone else on this planet?

I sit here back and forth. I know I love you. I still don't know for sure how you truly feel about me. I would hope the "love yous" outweigh the "I don'ts" I hope what you tell me is truth, and that everyone else is just wrong. I hope that I'm wrong.

So much hope, and only one I know. Well two. I do know you love me. I just don't know if it's enough for you to stay. I'm starting to wonder if it's enough for me to stay. I know I want to be with you! Possibly forever, who knows. I just hope that's enough.

You know what they say... Love is great, but it's really a matter of how much shit you can put up with.

The tears come strong again

This has become my sort of online journal. Doubting anyone even reads this anymore gives me a sense of security... even if it is false. I keep randomly breaking down today, and even though I know there is a perfectly good reason for it. I still can't help but get annoyed. I can't help but feel like I'm losing. Not only losing him, but losing myself. Slipping back into that depressive state that I loathe so much. And yet it seems I can't avoid it in a relationship. Maybe I am meant to stay single. That's a scary thought. I don't do well with being alone. And yet here alone I sit. On today of all days. And I start to cry again. Not that he cares. As long as he is having fun with his friends. Part of me wants to reach out to anyone who will care. Another part says grow up you're strong enough to do this alone. So I sit here and bounce back and forth between tears and boredom.

I can't help but wonder if it's a fault of mine or his. I KNOW he should be here. It's wrong of him to be gone. Friends want to support me more than he does. He's always saying he's the best boyfriend I'll ever have... HA one that's not hard to do, and two if this is the best maybe I'll go lesbian. Is there anyone in existence that can make me happy? Am I really built to be that miserable? Am I really that inconsolible? I don't want the meds, don't want the depression, don't want the problems. I sure as hell don't want to fight anymore. They say everything worth anything is worth fighting for... but what happens when you're starting to get too tired to fight. What if it's such a one sided fight, that you have to exhaust yourself on a daily basis.

He says he loves you. It feels so formal, so shallow. If he loves me, why isn't he here catching my tears? Why is it that familiar old voice making me smile? Of coarse it is. It always does. He's stopped more tears than he's ever caused. I should know better by now... but that voice is still so comforting.

So here I sit. Asking myself if I should stay or go. The age old question.