well well well... what have we here?

This one will be about (at least) two very different things.

first off.... I would like to write a tribute to my grandmother, but I just don't think I can. There aren't words in existance to describe her. My grandmother was everything a parent should be. Answer any question I had to the best of her ability and being sure to make things overly awkward. Again.... I'm not going to try to write something here. I just want to say thanks for everything Linna, grandma. You were truly someone I looked up to, and I deffinately needed that! I love you, and I'll miss you dearly. I'm glad you are no longer in pain.

Something else I would like to write about, is a very certain someone.
We were together the other night. How strange it was! We were.... US. That goofy, fun, loving, friendship was back. And it was so beautiful! I haven't felt that close to you in so long. You asked me out on a date... like, an actual date! I don't think we've been on a date since the summer after freshman year! You told me about your dream. It freaked me out... a lot! not because of what happened in it, but because it was so simular to mine. I keep asking myself, could this really be happening? and then I tell myself to grow the fuck up and not to get excited. Just another round in our little game....god I hope not! I couldn't believe how real it felt with you. The amount of passion between us scares the hell out of me sometimes, and the amount of love I have for you scares me all the time! Looking into your eyes that night... there are no words. It felt so wonderful to have you back! To be able to tickle you and wrestle while trying to lick eachother's face. To be able to lay on you and listen to your heart beat. The sad thing is... the second you kissed me you had me. And you kissed me as soon as you walked in the door. :) I will still never understand how you make me fall SO completely in love with you. You also told me that you love me more than anything... but I'm betting that was more of heat of the moment type of thing. I'm trying REALLY hard not to dwell on that one. Your dream however is driving me absolutely crazy! We were married, we had a baby... we lived in New Jersey (serisouly... why NJ?) and I've been thinking about it since. You drive me crazy boy. I just hope to god we're ready this time! I must say... everytime we go through this, more and more doubt grows. More and more of that puppy love wears off, and more and more I fall deeply and passionately in love with you. I would say I hate it... but it would be a lie. The only thing I hate, is the time I have to spend puting my feelings back on hold because we decide to not go through with it. I hate our breaks. Not all of them, sometimes I absolutely LOVE being single... but not as much as I love laying in your arms.
GAH! You drive me crazy! and I hate that I have no control of my feelings when it comes to you! Seriously, it doesn't matter how afraid I am to get my heart broken again, or how much I tell myself this is a stupid Idea... I fall for you all over again. I'll never understand it!

Anyways, I suppose I'll wrap this up since it's 2:40am and I have school tomorrow :) JOY!!!!

Good night!

~*ASHES*~

in hopes to soothe my mind and heart

Well, It's been a while now. 20 days to be exact. And yet I can't help but still feel you here. Question is, am I crazy... or are you haunting me? Am I delusional? Am I in such denial that I am creating an image of you? Why can't I see you? I feel you all the time... and it kills me. Others see you, they tell me things they possibly couldn't know. Tall, short dark hair, ASHEE, sunglasses. Was it really you who hugged me? When will this get easier Josh? I want to open myself more on the slightest chance I might see you... but I'm afraid to. How can I embrace something I've rejected for so long. Although, I can't deny that some pretty freaky shit has happened since you left! I almost don't want to know if it's you. I can't accept the fact that you just might be stuck here. I want to talk to someone, but who do I talk to? Who won't think I'm crazy. Surely, the two that will read this... the ones that have experienced half the crazy shit right along with me. It hurts so bad....... I can almost hear you telling me to knock my crying bullshit off, I've got better things to do. You always told me I was better and stronger than what was making me cry. I don't think I am stronger than this. I barely think I'm strong enough for this. It's amazing how much shit reminds me of you. The morning of your funeral while I was getting ready and listening to the radio..... Two songs were requested. Both by someone by the name of Josh. One was Tool Eulogy (significant in both that it was your funeral and you introduced me to tool) and the second one was earthquake by the used. I need to go back and read through the lyrics of these two songs. I wish I could figure out the thing about the grave and the rose Lucki told me about. I can't help but think you are leaving me clues for something. Again, I'm probably just crazy.

I found out today that my grandmother isn't doing so well. Months ago, I worried that her funeral would be my first personal one. When I thought about Josh's death I smiled for a brief second... even in dying he helped me. In laughter Yoga we did an exercise where those who felt that something was weighing on them stood in the center of the circle. Immediately I thought of losing you. With Cameos hand on my back and laughter pooring out of me, I still started to cry. You would kick my ass now-a-days. There are some days I don't laugh at all. That was never allowed with you around. I wish I still had you to lean on. And if you are here I wish I knew it for sure.

I've decided to get a job (after I get a car) and start saving up for my tattoo. I'm getting the exact tree you drew on my right side calf. 1. obivously because you drew it. and 2. because in Dante's Inferno those that commit suicide were doomed to an eternity in a forest as a tree. You saved me from becoming a tree :) Who know a simple argument on drawing trees would prove so useful. I just looked out the window and it's snowing like HELL! HOLY SHIT! Anyways,

If I've learned anything this last month.... things happen for a reason. And, although it might not be apparent at the moment.... everything is relevant. Every tiny choice, such as what class to take, can change your entire life. I'm trying my damnedest to be optimistic about everything Josh, but I just can't come up with the fucked up jokes you do. Help would be wonderful!

ANYWAYS, I guess I'll wrap this up. I love you, and I miss you like hell! Thank you for everything

"The tears come strong again, I wasn't ready for your time to end. I swear I'd tear this world apart to save you.... If I could hold you one more time, I'd never let you go... If I could just tell you one more time, I love you." ~Walls of Jericho

The first of many I suppose

So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do with one of these...

I guess I'll start by introducing my self.

HI, I'm ASHES! There, now that we're properly introduced....

So The last 24+ hours have been pretty interesting. I spent them with the two greatest girl friends in the world! (Lucki and Cameo) and lets just say there's never a dull moment with those two. Between Cameo blasting the Macarana (probably didn't spell that right) and doing the dance in front of my house (in a predominantly mexican neighborhood) and us playing with moon sand before dinner, we always know how to keep ourselves entertained.

So, there have been a lot of firsts in these 24+ interesting hours, and I'll share some of them with you...

1. Tried a martini! YUM

2. Also tried Cameo's drink (sex with Cameo) very interesting

3. Played with moon sand

4. found out what happens when you heat up a clear marble then throw it in cold water

5. Learned the story behind the "paul is dead" thing from the beatles and the story behind "give peace a chance".

6. Cast a circle

7. Got a smudging

8. Opened my Chakras

9. slept over at the girl's house

10. starting this blog

11. Went to laughter Yoga class (that's a whole nother blog in itself!)

12. and I'm sure various other things that I'm too damn lazy to talk about.

SO, I figure I'll rip off my GF's and introduce people you'll probably be seeing in this blog...

So, This is me... AND yes, I am a total retard. Although I don't believe in new years resolutions, I do make goals. My goal this year is to focus on myself and not take life too seriously... SO far SO good! I don't really know how to describe myself, but I'll try my best... and hope that my friends add anything they feel I've missed. I'm probably the most random person that's functional (and I use the term functional lightly) I can fit a different "clik" almost on a daily basis. My life it ruled by my mood. If I had to identify with anyone it would be goth... mainly because I like black and think goth people are hot. But you will almost always catch me with a smile. I am very open minded. Chances are, if you're not... the situation gets VERY awkward rather quickly! I don't have time for people who are too damn judgemental to realize we are all different versions of the same thing. I love the people in my life dearly, and those that have stuck with me (even the new ones) are my family. Chances are if you hurt them, you're in for an ass kicking... either emotionally, mentally, or if I'm up to it... physically. Don't get me wrong I absolutely hate violence, but I've learned that it's a necessary part of Nature. I am a very passionate person, and don't commit to anything without taking it seriously. Look, I could sit here and write this thing all damn day, and not adequately describe myself... SO, if you want to get to know me, make an effort!

My two oldest friends. Better known as My brudder mike (left) and The one that's always going to be in my life, Patrick (obviously right). I've known Mike pretty much my whole life, and Patrick the better part of it. If I have family in the friendship sense this is it! These are my two best male friends, and I seriously don't know what I would do without them. These two are to blame for me being the way I am. Between introducing me to MANSON (among many other bands) and pushing me to express myself in all my gothic beauty... well let's just say my mom blames them for "ruining" me :) These boys have seen me at my worst! I love you both!

The two most beautiful girls I know! AKA My sexy ass girl friends! Cameo (left) and Lucki (again, obviously right). Oh man, what can I say about these two???? Again, there is NEVER a dull moment! We met in ASL last semester, and started hanging out when Cameo told me to stop being a loser and come eat lunch with them instead of by myself. Yeah, she's just that awesome. These "bad influences" have pretty much taken me under their wing. They are truly inspiring! Watching them walk into a room holding hands without one ounce of hesitation makes me smile everytime. And watching some of the looks we get when the three of us are in public is just priceless! Although I have to answer the straight culture trivia every once in a while... I wouldn't trade hanging out with them in the world. As we say at least once a week... we were meant to be friends.

Of coarse there will be other people in here, but I'm not going to go steal their pics (again I'm lazy... deal with it!)

So, the basic plan for this blog is to document my life in the next year, and maybe even longer. I'll put my writings, bitchings, maybe even a few songs on here. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.... or I at least hope it successfully wastes your time! Either way Enjoy

~*ASHES*~

PS I will probably make MANY spelling errors, if it bothers you..... OH WELL :)