Well, It's been a while now. 20 days to be exact. And yet I can't help but still feel you here. Question is, am I crazy... or are you haunting me? Am I delusional? Am I in such denial that I am creating an image of you? Why can't I see you? I feel you all the time... and it kills me. Others see you, they tell me things they possibly couldn't know. Tall, short dark hair, ASHEE, sunglasses. Was it really you who hugged me? When will this get easier Josh? I want to open myself more on the slightest chance I might see you... but I'm afraid to. How can I embrace something I've rejected for so long. Although, I can't deny that some pretty freaky shit has happened since you left! I almost don't want to know if it's you. I can't accept the fact that you just might be stuck here. I want to talk to someone, but who do I talk to? Who won't think I'm crazy. Surely, the two that will read this... the ones that have experienced half the crazy shit right along with me. It hurts so bad....... I can almost hear you telling me to knock my crying bullshit off, I've got better things to do. You always told me I was better and stronger than what was making me cry. I don't think I am stronger than this. I barely think I'm strong enough for this. It's amazing how much shit reminds me of you. The morning of your funeral while I was getting ready and listening to the radio..... Two songs were requested. Both by someone by the name of Josh. One was Tool Eulogy (significant in both that it was your funeral and you introduced me to tool) and the second one was earthquake by the used. I need to go back and read through the lyrics of these two songs. I wish I could figure out the thing about the grave and the rose Lucki told me about. I can't help but think you are leaving me clues for something. Again, I'm probably just crazy.
I found out today that my grandmother isn't doing so well. Months ago, I worried that her funeral would be my first personal one. When I thought about Josh's death I smiled for a brief second... even in dying he helped me. In laughter Yoga we did an exercise where those who felt that something was weighing on them stood in the center of the circle. Immediately I thought of losing you. With Cameos hand on my back and laughter pooring out of me, I still started to cry. You would kick my ass now-a-days. There are some days I don't laugh at all. That was never allowed with you around. I wish I still had you to lean on. And if you are here I wish I knew it for sure.
I've decided to get a job (after I get a car) and start saving up for my tattoo. I'm getting the exact tree you drew on my right side calf. 1. obivously because you drew it. and 2. because in Dante's Inferno those that commit suicide were doomed to an eternity in a forest as a tree. You saved me from becoming a tree :) Who know a simple argument on drawing trees would prove so useful. I just looked out the window and it's snowing like HELL! HOLY SHIT! Anyways,
If I've learned anything this last month.... things happen for a reason. And, although it might not be apparent at the moment.... everything is relevant. Every tiny choice, such as what class to take, can change your entire life. I'm trying my damnedest to be optimistic about everything Josh, but I just can't come up with the fucked up jokes you do. Help would be wonderful!
ANYWAYS, I guess I'll wrap this up. I love you, and I miss you like hell! Thank you for everything
"The tears come strong again, I wasn't ready for your time to end. I swear I'd tear this world apart to save you.... If I could hold you one more time, I'd never let you go... If I could just tell you one more time, I love you." ~Walls of Jericho
We <3 you ashes. You're not crazy. We'll be here always, whenever you need us.
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