at battle with my insecurities... BRB

A full week of working on my insecurities and nothing to show for it. Isn't it funny how it takes so much work to build up your self consciousness and only one instance to destroy it. I spent a week dressing up, trying to figure out how to make myself happier, trying to be more comfortable with myself. I became cocky. I got to a point of doing something I almost never do, and in turn I got shut down. Immediately my insecurities came rushing back and I found myself drowning in my world of darkness once again. I just don't understand. Why do I have to struggle so much to be happy. Why does unhappiness come so naturally for me? Why do I have to boost myself just to feel decent about myself. FUCK I'm sick of it.

Just one incidence and he's destroyed all of my work. But that's how it goes I guess. Now I can either work with what I've got, go back to building myself up, or continue on this downward spiral

Fighting a losing battle with myself

How exactly do you fight your inner demons? How do you look your insecurities in the face and tell them to get lost? What happens when they won't stand to fight you? **SIGH** I have realized that maybe creating a "new" me every time something went wrong was maybe not the best idea. Now I have so many "me"s that I don't know which one to fall back on. As I am on the brink of losing my family, I can't help but reflect upon myself.
Am I not doing what I am supposed to be doing? I am 22, graduated with an associates, have a job. Am in a relationship with someone who loves and cares for me, don't live off of my parents (anymore). I guess I'm just a little confused in where they are finding the right to be on their high horse. Where were they at my age? Where do they get off telling me that I am wrong or a failure. GRRRR it confuses me, which just frustrates me more. My Mom told me that I gave up school for Chad. How is graduating giving up? I mean sure I'm not in school right now, but that's because I can't afford it, not because I don't want to be. It's stupid, and I know I shouldn't let it get to me... but it does.
For the first time in a LONG time I am happy. I think about someone and smile because I love him with all my heart! And I know he loves me. For the first time since the douche bag, I can actually let myself be involved with someone, and think about possibly spending my life with him. It's still a scary thought, but I can think it with a smile. I am happy just knowing that I have him... and honestly if he IS the reason my entire family is disowning me........ then so be it. I would rather have someone who loves me for me, and who has been there knowing everything. Then a family that demands I fit this cookie cutter lifestyle, and the second I don't abandon me.

So that's all for this little rant. Whoever said that happiness is overrated has never been depressed for the majority of their life. Happiness is beautiful, and something to be desired and worked for. I think I'm going to start reading the book "stumbling upon happiness" :) Yay positive psychology!

shoot to thrill

Things have been different since you came home to me. Different in a good way. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel the change in you. The "I love yous" have passion behind them. You smile, and it feels like you want to be around me. :) We feel happy again! What doubt I had has been chased away by you. I told you of my doubts the other day. Not a fun day. But, a much needed talk between us. It feels good to be able to talk to you, and have you listen and give me your opinion. It feels amazing to have your support. You now know how much I have to fight. How many I have to answer to, just to be with you. But, as I always say.... You're worth it :) I love you more than I've ever loved anyone! The anger that I once had built up for you has melted away. I am no longer mean and spiteful. I smile once again.

Just like you said, we are going to fight... but that just shows we're not perfect. We are worth fighting for! And now that we talk a little more openly, I worry that much less. I would love to say I trust you blindly..... but I can't. Don't get me wrong, I trust you. I trust you with my heart, my love, my life. But all of that doesn't stop the knot I get in my stomach from time to time. That little twinge of fear and anxiety. I wonder if I'll ever get rid of that.I pray that some day I do. Some day, I hope that I can smile and laugh without the inward thoughts. who knows.

Anyways. I just wanted to post something happy for a change. I am so thankful for you. I really don't know what I would do without you. And even though we have made mistakes... I am willing to forgive. I am willing to put it behind us and work towards a better relationship. I love you Chadly.

if you give me a chance....

Just a little something. It's a little rhymtastic for my taste... but hey, when it comes out in rhyme there's not much I can do.

Here we are my friend, weeping willows once again. So please just hold me close and let my tears slide away. There are far too many, this I know. But some day, I'll build my house on these tears I've made.

And one day I'll have a tree of my own. One that I've planted, watered, and grown. It will stand tall upon my experience, and the pain that I have shown. So let these tears water it, and please lets just watch it grow. While you hold me and don't let me go.

I like to dream of forever, this is foolish I know. For now I'm thankful we're together, and you hold me while I break down. They say we're bad together, you say we're meant to be. I just close my eyes and try to drown out the noise.

You're my knight with too much armor, and I'm your princess with a sour tongue. If you let your guard down, I promise to do the same. Both too scared to let go, and too spiteful to hold on. we're drowning each other.


I sit here without you now, knowing this is good for us. Suffering from a combination of boredom and loneliness. Well Suffering isn't quite the word. In a way I miss you, in another... I'm enjoying the time a part. I wonder how you are feeling?

Isn't it funny how sometimes a huge fight is what you need? Since the last fight I feel like you've actually been trying. Like you're reaching out again. The I love you's don't feel shallow now. I have hope. I just pray that it isn't a false hope. I try my damnedest to trust you completely. Everyone says that's stupid of me. But is it so stupid to trust. I mean worst case you destroy me. I can rebuild myself yet again. Are you really any more of a threat than anyone else on this planet?

I sit here back and forth. I know I love you. I still don't know for sure how you truly feel about me. I would hope the "love yous" outweigh the "I don'ts" I hope what you tell me is truth, and that everyone else is just wrong. I hope that I'm wrong.

So much hope, and only one I know. Well two. I do know you love me. I just don't know if it's enough for you to stay. I'm starting to wonder if it's enough for me to stay. I know I want to be with you! Possibly forever, who knows. I just hope that's enough.

You know what they say... Love is great, but it's really a matter of how much shit you can put up with.

The tears come strong again

This has become my sort of online journal. Doubting anyone even reads this anymore gives me a sense of security... even if it is false. I keep randomly breaking down today, and even though I know there is a perfectly good reason for it. I still can't help but get annoyed. I can't help but feel like I'm losing. Not only losing him, but losing myself. Slipping back into that depressive state that I loathe so much. And yet it seems I can't avoid it in a relationship. Maybe I am meant to stay single. That's a scary thought. I don't do well with being alone. And yet here alone I sit. On today of all days. And I start to cry again. Not that he cares. As long as he is having fun with his friends. Part of me wants to reach out to anyone who will care. Another part says grow up you're strong enough to do this alone. So I sit here and bounce back and forth between tears and boredom.

I can't help but wonder if it's a fault of mine or his. I KNOW he should be here. It's wrong of him to be gone. Friends want to support me more than he does. He's always saying he's the best boyfriend I'll ever have... HA one that's not hard to do, and two if this is the best maybe I'll go lesbian. Is there anyone in existence that can make me happy? Am I really built to be that miserable? Am I really that inconsolible? I don't want the meds, don't want the depression, don't want the problems. I sure as hell don't want to fight anymore. They say everything worth anything is worth fighting for... but what happens when you're starting to get too tired to fight. What if it's such a one sided fight, that you have to exhaust yourself on a daily basis.

He says he loves you. It feels so formal, so shallow. If he loves me, why isn't he here catching my tears? Why is it that familiar old voice making me smile? Of coarse it is. It always does. He's stopped more tears than he's ever caused. I should know better by now... but that voice is still so comforting.

So here I sit. Asking myself if I should stay or go. The age old question.

I do here by swear, a bounty on your heart

What an interesting week it's been. I'm starting to realize... that just maybe you don't fulfill me as much as I want you to. I'm realizing that you don't do all the things I want you to. Don't get me wrong I'm happy with you. And I love you more than anything... but would it be so hard to act like you want to spend time with me? To flaunt me to your friends, and invite me to places. I always invite you. I feel like you're always trying to get away. And maybe that's because I need to. I honestly need a night out. A night with my friends. I hate that I don't let myself have fun anymore.

You are always saying you could be romantic if you wanted. Why won't you??? You have never really been romantic with me. Why is that? Is it because you really don't have to try? I would love to spend time with you one on one. A walk, a picnic, a night in a hotel. I don't really care. But spending night after night wishing you would do something to make my heart flutter is getting ridiculous. I look at you and smile, my body tingles, and my mind quiets. And yet you do nothing to kindle that flame. Everyday I get excited about picking you up, or coming home. And it's almost as if you have better things to do.

Maybe I am just too damn needy.

But is that a fault of mine, or yours for not fulfilling those needs. I don't want a date every night. Just one every once in a while would be perfect. I guess if having needs is needy you're right. And if needing you is needy I'm fucked. Honestly... I fear I'm getting bored. I hoped the fun little things we bought would help... but we haven't gotten a chance to use them. Now I'm sitting here wondering what I can do to capture your attention without being too "needy". And I am honestly at a loss.

I guess I'll just stumble along like I usually do. And hope to stumble upon something that works. As I usually do. I just hope it works for you too

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

"These thoughts encase my heart. These questions haunt my mind. Knowing I love you is not enough to keep the walls from building. I trusted you not to hurt me, but now my guard is up. Did I fight to save something doomed? Did I put a bandage on something with an open chest wound? Are we just pretending everything you said that day was a lie? How could you? How could you say such things? I ask myself why I fought, something I have never done before. But all I could think about was laying in your arms, feeling your heart beat. Knowing I love you. Too needy? Is craving you so needy? I crave your touch, your kiss, the feel of you. In a way, I guess it could be considered a need. Trust is so easily broken and so heavily earned. What can I say? I feel myself distancing from you. Find myself contemplating what life would be like without you. You would be happy and survive, maybe even be better off. What would I be like? How would I live day to day? Could I make it out alive or would I become something cold like I was before you? I wish I knew which statement of yours to believe. Why do I feel like we actually broke up? Like I lost you? Like somewhere, I did something wrong? Like somehow I'm not good enough for you? You are the one that deserves better my love. You deserve the best. Someone to fulfill you. Although, I doubt someone could love you as I do."


I wrote those words the day after I almost lost you. It's been a week and a half now. In that time I've Graduated, and we found out something very important. Now as I sit here while you are at work I think to myself. How do I really feel? I know I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone. But why am I so invested this time when I wasn't the last time? I asked you why you love me. When you wouldn't answer, I started to ask myself why I love you. I think the answer changes all the time. Its the little things you do to make me smile, or the way you touch me and give me the chills. Its the way you are with Kayleb, or you just holding me in your arms. Its the stupid faces and noises you do. Or the pouting when you don't get your way. Its everything really. :) The truth is I love you. And I know that. I know that if you do leave me, I will be devastated.... but I will not stop loving you. I proudly wear this ring on my hand, and smile when anyone notices it. Because I am happy with you. Happier than I have ever been with anyone. I love you Chadly, and although you will not read this. I hope you never forget that!