Break me down

Today I reached my breaking point.

Everything that is going on finally got to me. I don't know why, but this last semester has been the hardest for me. With my first D ever. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. Should I give up and join the full time work force? I have seven months to be able to support myself. seven months to pay for both school and living. I'm screwed.

Christmas is at the end of this week. 5 days. And I don't even feel excited. That saddens me. Has this year taken so much out of me, that I don't even care anymore. YES. I don't try to keep Mom and I together anymore. I gave up on that. I'm tired of being her scape goat. I gave up on perfect grades so that I could have a job. And I gave up a full time job so that I could go to school.

I gave up trying to find someone so that I could focus on me. And I gave up focusing on me so that I could try to find someone.

Funny how life works sometimes isn't it. SO now what to do. It is the holidays and as per usual I am single... which I really don't mind. A new semester starts Janurary tenth (I think)

so what to do, what to do. Focus on me? Try to anyways. I want to go back to being my carefree self. I miss me so much. I want to go back to having fun and being a goof all the time. I want to be happy and passionate. Where did all my passion go? Once again I'm this shell running throught the ritual of my day to day. Not really enjoying anything. Even dancing has become a habitual thing for me. I need a new spark. A new passion. A new something to thrive on. *sigh*

I need yet another new me

~ASHES

It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high

What an interesting while its been. Since I last wrote I've been in and out of three relationships. As the year starts to come to an end I can't help but look back at the person I was. This year has been hell! I've learned that it's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt. And it's okay to open up. Most importantly, I've learned that it's really okay to be alone.
I always think they are the one, they are perfect. They will make me forget about him. Its never true. I'm still trying to be less of a toy. Less of something to be used and tossed aside. And yet I'm still getting so attached. "you keep dating douche bags" "You keep dating the same douchebag over and over again" Isn't it funny how your friends see everything so clearly. Yet you're sitting there in the fucking dark going "ummm a little help please guys"
Maybe one day I'll learn... but for now I'm going to focus on me and hopefully my magick. I'm going to make myself the strongest I can. Physically, emotionally, and supernaturally. This will be an interesting journey. And hopefully I can talk my mentor into helping me again. Hell, he needs it too. Usually one of us is pulling the other back onto their feet and handing them a map. This time we're both standing up, brushing our knees off, and heading down the road together. Well, we have plenty of company.
Anyways I'm going to freak... so I'll write more later.

Much love, strength, wisdom, and positive energy.
XOXO Ash/Nik

"I feel like I'm a puppet to my own rules"

shall we stumble through this life tripping and falling, desperately scrambling to get back on our feet. Shall we struggle to keep our heads above water, and in struggling only sink faster. Shall we do this sick back and forth game over and over, and wonder why we are so exhausted. Shall we live this life?

This unknown feeling, this that I'm not able to discribe. Why am I so angry lately? Why do I have so much anxiety. Why am I so back and forth with him. At one moment I'm smiling, absolutely glowing with emotion. The next, I'm so unsure, I almost want to leave. Why do I keep dreaming of the past, or past people coming into my present? Why am I so afraid for that one person to come back, why am I so convinced he can still ruin my life? Why can't I just live... not stress about every little detail. Let things happen without controlling them so much. How do I NOT care?

Why can't I just let myself be happy? Why can't I grow up, get a job... be a real adult? Why can't I be perfect?

I'm finally okay with everything I've lost. With not having those I love, and having to re-start so many times. I don't cry about it anymore...

And then there's him... so much to say about him. Still debating on moving in with him. Or at least that's what I tell myself. "You can always decide no". He's so amazing some days. Yesterday I was so stressed, I was almost in tears, yelling... swearing, hitting shit. He grabbed my face and I couldn't help but smile. It's like the minute he touches me I calm. And when I go without touching him... well, it actually hurts. I can honestly say I crave his arms around me, and his kisses. again, that scares me. So much fear in me... why?

I really REALLY miss my hair. I don't want short hair anymore! Random, I know

anyways... I'm bored... So yeah.

hmmmm

stressing a lot lately... I just don't know.

I start school again on wed. and leave for colorado on the following sunday. that's not really the problem though. I don't know why I'm stressing so badly. I guess it's a mixture of no money and no job. Plus trying to decide if I'm going to move or not. I love him... I really do, and I can see being with him. It's just... the last person I lived with, I was so miserable. and so sad all the time. I don't want that again! I asked him what he thought about living together... he said exactly what I needed to hear. He knows we will fight, he knows we will have good and bad days. He doesn't want to rush it. God, it's like he reads my mind some days.

He scares me. In ways he's so much I want... in other ways he reminds me of him... the last serious one... the one that destroyed me. Why am I so scared??? why am I so reluctant? Why can't I just let my self be in love?? ...... because it scares me. It's like my automatic defense systems kick in. I know he loves me... but the last one supposedly did too. I don't want to lose him or his family. It's like he's a part of my life already. It feels like it's been so long, and yet it hasn't. One part of me says it will be okay, we love each other and we can do this. The other part is screaming at me that it's all moving too damn fast! That I'm just going to get hurt. And then when I look at him and I can't help but smile. I feel amazingly safe and secure in his arms. I smile everytime he kisses me or touches my face. It's passion. Everything I'm trying to deny in the relationship. And that scares the hell out of me!

well... I guess I'll just keep arguing with myself inside... And enjoy his arms around me and his kisses that make my heart race. My plan is to keep my head up and keep pushing forward. as always... Grace under pressure

~Ashes

Confessions of a broken heart... fixed with some duct tape

They say duct tape fixes everything, but can you really expect something to stay hidden and sealed behind that silver barrier? As my relationship with Nick continues to grow so do many things. My acceptance of the deaths that have occured recently (another of which I learned of today). My happiness and feeling of acceptance with Nick and his family. And my fear of many things. I've been having.... flashbacks I guess is the appropriate word for them, of my ex. The last serious relationship I had. I thought after more than a year without a relationship... I would be okay. And yet these memories are as vivid as the day they happened. I find myself dreaming not only of him, but of others, and I can't seem to help it. It frightens me actually. I fear my ex will come back to Utah and make my life a living hell once again. I can't help but wonder if all these dreams and such are merely my subconscious projecting my fears of commitment. Admittedly, I haven't been the best GF in the past, and sure haven't picked the best people for mates. But why all this, and why now? I'm trying to actually focus on the relationship with Nick, and not be the controlling, demanding, psycho bitch I have been in the past. Hey, I can admit it :)

And yet that's exactly what he asks me to be. He has no idea how much I have been trying to change myself, and he's asking for exactly what I'm trying to avoid. He wants someone who will control, and make him change for the better. I want someone who is self sufficient and hell... who am I kidding. I like to be in control... but I don't want to turn into that crazy bitch I was in Idaho. I don't want to fight for control SO much that I lose myself. I'm not saying that will happen with Nick, I'm just saying that's why I'm being so weary. We haven't talked in two days, and It's driving me absolutely CRAZY. This is exactly what my ex and I broke up for... him not taking the time to call me. WOW, I am a control freak. I don't know... I guess I don't know how to deal with actually missing someone. I'm so used to wanting someone and them actually just being there. I guess it's good to learn though! Just because we are dating, does not mean his life needs to revolve around me, and my life does not need to revolve around him. I may be needy, but at least I'm a fair, giving needy chick LOL!
Anyways, While looking at Nick the other day, I realized that I might have actually found someone that really cares! I just wish he would show it a little more openly. Ya know, more passion and romance. But, he's a typical guy and doesn't know anything about that kind of stuff. I never thought I would be dating a stereotypical male.

Well I guess I should try to sleep. Or something. So long and sweet dreams <3

since it's been a month...

well, what a month it has been. Today is the second major hurdle in everyone of my relationships... the one month. Usually, if it lasts past this... it lasts a long time (that, for me, of coarse is like a year :/) Unfortunately with the happiness of Nick comes all the unhappiness of everything else. Due to budget cuts (haha) I can only take 4 credit hours this semester. In a way this is a blessing, but I am treating it more like a curse. I feel like I am letting people down. Although, with a (so far) 3.9 for spring semester, I would think I earned a little slack for the summer. Alas, I feel I need to be superhuman and live up to everything. Constantly pushing myself harder and harder.

*sigh* Nick and Scott offered for me to move in. I am torn on this issue. On the one hand I want to get back out on my own and be me. On the other, I worry about my father... and I don't want to rush things more than we already have with Nick. I slip in and out of this steel box I have built myself. On the days when things really get to me and I start to break down... he makes me feel wonderful, and my heart melts (gah, so lame!) and yet I continue to push him away from me, trying to protect myself.
I honestly don't know what he sees in me. Why he smiles when he looks at me, or why our kisses are so passionate. I only know that they are. I keep waiting for this fantasy to end... for him to say "oh, just kidding" and it all to come crashing down upon me. But something tells me... he's waiting for me to do the same. When we talk, and I look into his eyes, there is so much there. I only wish I could get to it. I suppose he is just as guarded as I am. How is it that he can read me so well, and make me smile when I truly want to cry... or beat the hell out of him.
I feel safe in someone's arms again... that both thrills and scares me. I'm starting to feel close to his family, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I feel as though I belong in his family. As though... I've been there longer than a month. I feel really accepted. GAH, what am I going to do??? I don't know what scares me more... the thought of opening up and losing it all. Not just him, but his family as well. Or the thought of it working... really truly working.

Well, I suppose I'll go. I'm bored! I was at Nick's dad's for almost a week with him, and this is the first night home. It's so quiet here :/

Good Night. Loves.

A minor realization

I've shut myself down. In hopes to protect myself and "get over" my losses this year I don't even know how to really feel anymore. That scares me. Shouldn't I be happy, shouldn't I be sad... shouldn't I remember they are gone? Rev theory "broken bones" really fits. I just wish I could feel. Wish I could be sure of something... anything! I feel bad, because I can't feel. I mean... I feel, but not much. A minor excitement, some anger... a loss of some kind. If anything, I just feel alone. Stressed and alone. I scare myself. How can I subconsciously keep myself SO busy that I forget to have emotion. I thought I was okay... I was wrong. Just because I found a way to ignore the pain, doesn't mean it's better. Sitting here... It just kinda hit me. How much I miss her, how I've been avoiding the fact that she's gone. That they both are. I just want to run away... and I can't. So I have subconsciously. I don't feel anymore... I hate it.

I feel like I should explain this to him... but I don't really understand it. How do you explain a wall, that is in place not just because you are scared... but because if one emotion starts, you'll break down. You'll lose all that beautiful composure you have built up in the last few months. You'll FEEL. It's amazing I'm functioning... and I shouldn't put that on him. Shouldn't show him... shouldn't rely on him. Or should I? Maybe he can help...

The question is, Do I want to feel? Do I want to face these things. Do I want to lose them both all over again? I don't understand how I can watch them both laying in a casket and still deny it all. Still believe that they are both with me... both still here. NO, Josh is just away at a concert.... and Grandma just isn't home right now. Right? NO, those graves are all lies... they can't really be in there. They wouldn't leave me.... I need help.

And him... he couldn't possibly like me. NO, that's unheard of. But see.... when some emotion peeks through, I'm thrilled by him. I want to lay in his arms, and feel his heart beat! Then I shut down again... and I'm so unsure about the whole thing. How unfair I am...

I'm torn on the idea of going back to feeling. On the one hand, I don't hurt anymore. I mean... I don't get hurt now. I just brush it off. I think I'm incapable of being emotionally attached anymore. And I'm still functioning, right? On the other hand... I want to love. I want to be happy. I want some enjoyment or excitement. I want something. And I sure as hell don't want to hurt him.

So it comes down to two options......
DO I try to break down these walls and try to feel again?
Or do I continue to let this shell of myself make it's rutine through my life?

.... I just don't know.

Forever searching for what we were promised...

I'm becoming a sort of cynic in these last few weeks, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Truth be told, I would much rather be optimistic about the world... but lets face it, there isn't much room for that now-a-days. I really don't know what's come over me... but it's like I have so much trouble trusting people now. And damn near NO sympathy for anyone!

However, this will be a sort of bitch session of my own.

I have realized (and I mean truly realized, I already knew these things but ignored them) a lot recently. First off, My parents... Oh what a lovely couple of people. I realize that as the years go by, I respect my parents less and less. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and appreciate the hell out of them! I would be in hell without them both. But, as people... OMG. My mother is an alcoholic, and I worry about her constantly. She's one of those "That couldn't possibly happen to me" and I dread the day I get a phone call where she's either dead or in jail. My father doesn't know a damn thing about me, which would be understandable if we didn't live together (just the two of us, for over a year). Both of my parents are, well... lets just say morally unsound. And I really do not approve... but hey, who am I to say what's right or not :) Some of my friends, scratch that, MOST of my friends are flakes. Which is somewhat understandable... I guess. I am 21 years old, and actually pretty happy with myself at this moment. In that, I feel safe and complete in my life right now. I do however, need to get a job and a place of my own, but that will come in due time. My priority (once again) is school, and I love that. Let's just hope this time a dumb ass boy won't help me to ruin it lol.
While reading one of my books (and I have to say "one of my books" because I read more than one at a time) I read that Everything that has happened in this life is merely a consequence of something you at some point did. While thinking about this, I realized it really is true! This life is merely a game of action and consequence... and yet everyone sits here waiting for the "happily ever after" we were promised to arive. EVERYONE just sits and waits for it to get better. When in reality, by just waiting they are missing their chances. I don't know... maybe I am just being really cynical. I guess, this is just... in a way, my commiting to actually searching and thriving for what I want. Instead of waiting for things to come to me.

Have a great night, and thanks for putting up with bitch sessions :)

~Ashes

Well aint it funny how life has changed me???

...I used to be a dreamer to.

Anyways. building off of the last blog, how is it that I found someone with that special little, hell I dunno what to call it. It's like, if I'm have a bad day and he hugs me... I feel better :) and I actually feel safe in his arms. And omg, he is so gorgeous when he smiles! The way his face lights up, and GAH! This sucks!

yup yup. So, I signed up for TKD world camp a three days ago. Yeah, I'll be in Colorado from june13-june18 JOY. I dunno, like I want to go... but It's intimidating. Well, I'm exhausted! I only slept for like 4 hours (Yay cuddling!)

LATERS :D

~Ashes

It's been a while...

Have you ever laid there staring into someone's eyes? Not someone you're dating, but someone you are considering being with. How did you feel? For the first time, in a long time, I found something I absolutely love. I found someone I'm comfortable with... Someone I can make faces with and can joke around with. And I don't even know him that well yet. :) So, what now. I know the last few blogs have been about falling and realizing the stupidity of it all, and blah blah blah. But what now? People have told me to be careful around him, and to just move on. So, what is it about him that keeps me interested. It isn't a sexual tension that gets me giddy (like the rest have been) it's genuine interest. I can see spending time with him and being around him... and GAH! He makes me smile so much! so.... here we go. hmmmmmm..... what is it about him that makes me want to cuddle into his arms, breathe in the smell of him, and be so comforted. How is it possible that I found someone I'm so damn comfortable with. Let's just hope he doesn't live up to what I've been told :/

At war with myself... and I'm losing

Well,as much fun as last night was... it was a huge wake up call! Hanging out with her and her friends was way fun, and I could even look past the fact that both her and I used to be his. Until we started talking about him. We shared stories, thoughts, arguments, a lot. We even shared texts... reading those texts that he sent her and realizing how close they were to mine. Damn near the same concept in different words. And what I've known for years very suddenly smacks me in the face. I was just being played. The person I have loved more than anyone, and I have loved for most of my life, has just been playing me. Isn't that a beautiful concept? So, what to do? Having slept on it, and read a book today... I still really don't know.

I could get pissed off and confront him on it... but what would that accomplish? He would just deny it, or make up some bull shit story and take me into his arms and I'd be one step forward 16 steps back. I could open my fucking eyes and realize that my dreams of a "perfect" partner were all a lie created by some sick little boy who enjoys fucking with other's emotions. But somehow (and I really don't know how) I can't. I can't believe that everything he has told me has been a lie. I can't believe that I'm just a notch on his belt that he comes back to when his current toy gets sick of him... even though I know it's the truth. I could burn every letter/note/poem to or about him, but that's like 9 years of writing I don't want to lose.

The thought that is most prominent in my head...... He's just like Damien, Damien was just better at playing the game. That kills me to say! I'm starting, once again, to doubt my worth...am I meant to be some sick little toy to every man I love? Was I created to always be played? What the hell is so fucking pathetic about me that I continue to be used.

What bothers me, I see myself changing. I see myself shying away from any real feelings. I feel myself becoming a player. I hate that, but I can't be hurt anymore. Obviously, the men I love don't love me...so why should I love? Why not just get my kicks? I can't even think that without feeling like a horrible person :/ The idea of deliberately hurting someone saddens me. And that's it, that's the entire reason I am cursed to be a toy. I care too damn much. I always have. I would rather live in misery than to see someone hurt for a split second. Especially if I love them. It's rediculous.

I'm kicking myself in the ass for falling for his games. For believing that he could actually love me. For believing I was special. I'm an idiot. I thought it was okay when Damien did it, I thought I was just naieve... but to go along with it for 7 years... that's just stupid. Part of me wants to beat myself up for it... but I know that's a downward spiral that I don't want to take again.

So I'm left here, with the bits of my life sitting in my lap, wondering what to do. Wondering who I can turn to now. He was sort of my back up plan, "it's okay eventually he'll pull his head out of his ass, and we'll live happily-ever-after" HA... please. What a fool!

The sad thing is, I really don't trust ANY guy. I don't honestly believe that a guy can be with me and not cheat. That thought alone is heart-breaking. I'm so afraid that I'll get hurt, that I seek out the players. And if they might actually be a decent person, or have an actual (non-physical) interest in me I freak. Why is that? Why am I hoping not to hear from the guy I met last night? The one who told me I was beautiful, and even noticed the color of my eyes. Is it a fear of being hurt; a fear that he'll be just another player? or is it a fear of being happy?

I feel, myself and my sanity are in jeorpardy... can I survive this without losing myself? Can I stop being a toy without becoming a player? Can I finally kick his ass out of my life?

I guess we'll find out in the next few weeks....

XXASHESXX

soooooooooo yeah

WEll, it's been a while!

So, updates, ummm.... the whole Brock thing didn't work out (oh well) and I still don't really understand why, but WHATEV. I've started talking to an old friend again (we grew up together...well like elementary and jr. high) It's nice to talk to him, not to mention he's totally EFFING hot!

I fear I have reached a point in my life, where I need to choose a side. I feel like I need to either stay in the possition I'm in and continue to be played, or start doing the playing. I don't want to become a player... but I'm really sick of being played! Ah the choices we must make in life. HURT or BE HURT... I hate it!

So, I went to my grandmother's grave for the first time since the funeral Monday. All I could think was, my Grandma is claustrophobic. I kept envisioning her screaming and pounding on the lid of the casket. Screaming for me to help her. Let's just say it wasn't a very long visit. It's weird to think that she's been gone for a month now, and Josh has been gone two. I still feel Josh all the damn time. I'm not complaining, I just wish I didn't cry. I'm still having dreams about my grandma... the same dream over and over. We say a little more to eachother every time though. Maybe one day we'll actually talk and I won't wake up in tears. I might go to Josh's grave for the first time since his funeral on sunday... we'll see.

Other than that nothing has really changed. School still sucks, Cam and Lucki are still there and crazy, Mike and Pat are still being Mike and Pat. OH, speaking of Pat... I've reached that point... ya know, the one where I don't care anymore. The one where I start to actually believe that I don't need him in my life, and that he's not the one I'm supposed to marry and life happily ever after with. I love this point... my world becomes peaceful! Don't get me wrong, I'll always love him... the sheer NEED for him just goes back in it's little box. I repair myself again, and continue with my life. I'm getting better... it only took a little over a month this time.

Did I mention my parents are getting married??? YES both of them, NO not to eachother. GREAT right? I really don't know how I feel about it, but hey, they're both grown up.

ummm I think that's everything.......

<3

SON OF A BIZNATCH!!!

I know I've been writing a lot lately.... OH WELLS :)

So, Brock came over last night and we cuddled on the couch and just slept there. Well, he slept... I couldn't for the life of me sleep. But that's okay, I was just enjoying laying in his arms :) (awww for cuters!!!) psh.

Okay, SO... Have you ever started dating someone and everything is going good. Like, you're not even bf/gf yet... just chillin and talking a lot. And of coarse all your friends are like OMG you guys are so cute together, you should just make it official! and You're like, NO... dude, don't ruin a good thing! I'm just getting to know them, and it's all chill right now. Then you're mom is like, OMG you totally LIKE them, it's so cute... this is going to be serious I just know it... and you're just like STFU mom. And of coarse, your Dad just teases you, calling them you're bf/gf. SO, you blush everytime someone mentions them, your face gets assaulted by a smile everytime they text you or walk in the room right? This is chill yet over obnoxious!!!! But then you start to realize, that your day royally sucks if they don't text you, and you get all warm and tingly inside when they text you the minute they get in their car to leave (*GAG*). So, you finally run out of shit to talk about for the day right??? Which is chill! You're doin homework/myspace/facepage... whatev and suddenly you start thinking about them... and you're like WTF dude, it's only been like 5 hours since we last talked. Then you get that knot in your stomach... ya know the one you get right before you go on a roller coaster for the first time. Where you're excited but scared shitless. And you're like SON OF A BITCH... I'm falling for them. GOD DAMN IT!

Ever have that happen???? yeah, me either!

The first of many poems to go on here

I've decided to put some of my poetry on here. I'll start with older stuff and YADDA YADDA YADDA. so, enjoy... and please feel free to criticize (nicely)

The Truth of a mirror

03/08/07

The cold smooth glass that stares back,

The insight that only it holds.

It speaks to me saying, you poor child

All those emotions and you're smiling.

I know your smile is a mask,

I see what others don't.

I see that you want to give up inside,

The you struggle, and try so hard.

And yet everyone is against you.

I will never lie to you... I will always show you who you are.

Trust me, know me, love me,

As I do you.

All will be well as soon as you become lost within me.

Who cares what others think!

You are no narcissist!

You deserve the truth,

The truth that only I can give...

The truth of the mirror.

Untitled

Unknown date probably summ 06

Sepparate on earth,

Together in her heart.

She wants to be there,

But it's falling apart.

She wants him to realize,

How much she cares.

She'll hold back her feelings,

And always be there.

She will watch as he plays,

And cry as he sleeps.

Never letting him know,

How often she weeps.

A morbid little love poem to describe our life.

2007 sometime

You slammed through the door into my life.

And with the very first touch, slipped me a knife.

Teaching me how to slowly carve.

And how eventually to empty my heart.

I needed you, you abandoned me.

When I got away, you pulled on my leash.

Now I sit and wait, needing you agian.

Hating myself, for not letting it end.

Freedom's what I need, Despair is what I get.

Yet I can't seem to escape the power of your net.

Please just let me go, please just bring me near.

Please just one more time... Whisper in my ear.

Please tell me how you love me,

And how I'm the one you need.

Please tell me all your lies,

Of how you'll wait for me.

Please lie to me, fill me full of false hopes.

Daring me to push that blade to my throat.

Please show me how I need you, and how I just might die

If I can't be with you, to fulfill a love divine.

The love that always existed, the one I'll always know,

And if you were to leave me, I wouldn't know where to go.

So please hole fast to my leash, and do not let me choose.

So if I dare stray... I'll always come back to you.

Always keeping this blade in my heart,

sometimes near my throat, reminding me.

Of how I'll love you forever,

And how you're the one I need.

Always that painful reminder

of this "divine" love

And this poor little "saint"

That needs her dark angel.

I needed you, You abandoned me.

When I got away, you pulled on my leash.

Now I sit and wait, needing you again.

Hating myself for not letting it end.

I can't escape you...

Well there ya go, three of my old poems. Hope you enjoyed!!!

<3>

It's been a while...since I could hold my head up high

I had a break down yesterday. I couldn't figure out why the hell I was so damn sad. Looking at the date today, I think I know why. Josh's Funeral was a month ago yesterday. I also walked into my grandma's room for the first time since the day she died yesterday. I wanted so badly to lay on the bottom of her bed and feel her touch my back like she used to. I made it to the bed, and touched it... but I couldn't go any further.I'm finally to the point where I feel comfortable in my house. I can be alone without panic attacks. I finally went to all my classes (well so far) this week. I never realized how busy I keep myself. I've been asked multiple times this week how I have a social life... I manage :D <--- that is the most retarded looking smiley face I think I have ever seen.

So, quite a bit has happened since I last wrote. I tried to write twice in the last few weeks, but couldn't bring myself to write more than a few sentences. I've been singing like crazy, which is beautiful. I know I'm not that great of a singer, but it feels amazing to be doing it again. I'm also drawing and writing again. I drew up a version of the tattoo that Lucki wants, I still don't know if I like it. I've also started writing my book again. (one of the many) :) It's strange how I'm actually going back to things that I used to do when I was happy. I haven't really sang in front of people since jr. year of HS. Like I said, it's amazing to be doing it again.

Okay, so... on to new events!!! WOOT

haha, well Saturday I went to Deaf Night Out with Cameo and Lucki at, "a bar named sue" It was my first time in a bar, and my first time in actual deaf culture. I was scared to death!!! We got there and just kinda stood in the corner for a bit. Cameo and I decided we wanted to dance but never quite made it to the dance floor because this deaf guy (brian) bought us drinks MMMM AMF'S :) I saw this really HOT guy who was signing and asked one of the teachers if she knew him. She didn't. So, we decided to go dance again, only this time with Lucki, Karen, and Rhonda. The totally hot guy walks by the dance floor and I pointed him out to Karen asking if she knew him. She ran over there and started signing to him. Asking if he was single and telling him that he needed to dance with me. OH MY GOD total, "someone please fucking shoot me" moment! Well he went to the bathroom and we all kept dancing. Karen kept pushing me towards him on the dance floor and finally I turned around and he was there. CAN YOU SAY EFFING HOT??? lawl. So we danced, then it was hot... literally and we went outside to smoke. So we start talking and introducing ourselves (in sign of coarse cuz he's deaf... AWESOME) anyways, he bought me a beer and stole some kisses and we went to denny's afterwards, and he's really hot, and cute, and sweet, and we're hanging out on Thursday, and I'm excited and scared at the same time, and yeah. *BREATH*

So, I dunno. I like him... but I don't know if I like that I like him... ya know. I'm really afraid to get hurt. And I realize that might just be the reason I keep going back to Patrick. I love the idea of someone loving me, and being in love; but the Idea of a relationship with a chance to get hurt again scares the hell out of me! I haven't been in a serious relationship since Damien. I mean the one relationship I did have was completely disfunctional and only lasted two weeks. I am one fucked up little girl :) But, I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to play it cool and see what happens.

I could have sworn I felt you with me today. While laying in laughter yoga I know you were there holding my hand just looking at me. You were trying to make me laugh, but I couldn't help crying. "why you crying kid" you had said... "I miss you" I replied, "I know" you smiled at me and just went back to staring upwards. It was like we were the only one's there... laying outside talking. It was wonderful, and heart breaking. I still miss you so much, and I know you're okay... maybe even happy.

As for my Grandma... The thought of never hearing her voice again still scares me. I still can't talk about her without crying. I still pick stuff out for her when I'm at the stores saying, "ooo Grandma would love that" I caught myself going to tell her goodbye the other day when I left the house. Maybe some form of her is still there, maybe I'm fucking losing it. Who knows.
Well, I think I'm going to put some poetry up on here :)

Laters :p

well well well... what have we here?

This one will be about (at least) two very different things.

first off.... I would like to write a tribute to my grandmother, but I just don't think I can. There aren't words in existance to describe her. My grandmother was everything a parent should be. Answer any question I had to the best of her ability and being sure to make things overly awkward. Again.... I'm not going to try to write something here. I just want to say thanks for everything Linna, grandma. You were truly someone I looked up to, and I deffinately needed that! I love you, and I'll miss you dearly. I'm glad you are no longer in pain.

Something else I would like to write about, is a very certain someone.
We were together the other night. How strange it was! We were.... US. That goofy, fun, loving, friendship was back. And it was so beautiful! I haven't felt that close to you in so long. You asked me out on a date... like, an actual date! I don't think we've been on a date since the summer after freshman year! You told me about your dream. It freaked me out... a lot! not because of what happened in it, but because it was so simular to mine. I keep asking myself, could this really be happening? and then I tell myself to grow the fuck up and not to get excited. Just another round in our little game....god I hope not! I couldn't believe how real it felt with you. The amount of passion between us scares the hell out of me sometimes, and the amount of love I have for you scares me all the time! Looking into your eyes that night... there are no words. It felt so wonderful to have you back! To be able to tickle you and wrestle while trying to lick eachother's face. To be able to lay on you and listen to your heart beat. The sad thing is... the second you kissed me you had me. And you kissed me as soon as you walked in the door. :) I will still never understand how you make me fall SO completely in love with you. You also told me that you love me more than anything... but I'm betting that was more of heat of the moment type of thing. I'm trying REALLY hard not to dwell on that one. Your dream however is driving me absolutely crazy! We were married, we had a baby... we lived in New Jersey (serisouly... why NJ?) and I've been thinking about it since. You drive me crazy boy. I just hope to god we're ready this time! I must say... everytime we go through this, more and more doubt grows. More and more of that puppy love wears off, and more and more I fall deeply and passionately in love with you. I would say I hate it... but it would be a lie. The only thing I hate, is the time I have to spend puting my feelings back on hold because we decide to not go through with it. I hate our breaks. Not all of them, sometimes I absolutely LOVE being single... but not as much as I love laying in your arms.
GAH! You drive me crazy! and I hate that I have no control of my feelings when it comes to you! Seriously, it doesn't matter how afraid I am to get my heart broken again, or how much I tell myself this is a stupid Idea... I fall for you all over again. I'll never understand it!

Anyways, I suppose I'll wrap this up since it's 2:40am and I have school tomorrow :) JOY!!!!

Good night!

~*ASHES*~

in hopes to soothe my mind and heart

Well, It's been a while now. 20 days to be exact. And yet I can't help but still feel you here. Question is, am I crazy... or are you haunting me? Am I delusional? Am I in such denial that I am creating an image of you? Why can't I see you? I feel you all the time... and it kills me. Others see you, they tell me things they possibly couldn't know. Tall, short dark hair, ASHEE, sunglasses. Was it really you who hugged me? When will this get easier Josh? I want to open myself more on the slightest chance I might see you... but I'm afraid to. How can I embrace something I've rejected for so long. Although, I can't deny that some pretty freaky shit has happened since you left! I almost don't want to know if it's you. I can't accept the fact that you just might be stuck here. I want to talk to someone, but who do I talk to? Who won't think I'm crazy. Surely, the two that will read this... the ones that have experienced half the crazy shit right along with me. It hurts so bad....... I can almost hear you telling me to knock my crying bullshit off, I've got better things to do. You always told me I was better and stronger than what was making me cry. I don't think I am stronger than this. I barely think I'm strong enough for this. It's amazing how much shit reminds me of you. The morning of your funeral while I was getting ready and listening to the radio..... Two songs were requested. Both by someone by the name of Josh. One was Tool Eulogy (significant in both that it was your funeral and you introduced me to tool) and the second one was earthquake by the used. I need to go back and read through the lyrics of these two songs. I wish I could figure out the thing about the grave and the rose Lucki told me about. I can't help but think you are leaving me clues for something. Again, I'm probably just crazy.

I found out today that my grandmother isn't doing so well. Months ago, I worried that her funeral would be my first personal one. When I thought about Josh's death I smiled for a brief second... even in dying he helped me. In laughter Yoga we did an exercise where those who felt that something was weighing on them stood in the center of the circle. Immediately I thought of losing you. With Cameos hand on my back and laughter pooring out of me, I still started to cry. You would kick my ass now-a-days. There are some days I don't laugh at all. That was never allowed with you around. I wish I still had you to lean on. And if you are here I wish I knew it for sure.

I've decided to get a job (after I get a car) and start saving up for my tattoo. I'm getting the exact tree you drew on my right side calf. 1. obivously because you drew it. and 2. because in Dante's Inferno those that commit suicide were doomed to an eternity in a forest as a tree. You saved me from becoming a tree :) Who know a simple argument on drawing trees would prove so useful. I just looked out the window and it's snowing like HELL! HOLY SHIT! Anyways,

If I've learned anything this last month.... things happen for a reason. And, although it might not be apparent at the moment.... everything is relevant. Every tiny choice, such as what class to take, can change your entire life. I'm trying my damnedest to be optimistic about everything Josh, but I just can't come up with the fucked up jokes you do. Help would be wonderful!

ANYWAYS, I guess I'll wrap this up. I love you, and I miss you like hell! Thank you for everything

"The tears come strong again, I wasn't ready for your time to end. I swear I'd tear this world apart to save you.... If I could hold you one more time, I'd never let you go... If I could just tell you one more time, I love you." ~Walls of Jericho

The first of many I suppose

So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do with one of these...

I guess I'll start by introducing my self.

HI, I'm ASHES! There, now that we're properly introduced....

So The last 24+ hours have been pretty interesting. I spent them with the two greatest girl friends in the world! (Lucki and Cameo) and lets just say there's never a dull moment with those two. Between Cameo blasting the Macarana (probably didn't spell that right) and doing the dance in front of my house (in a predominantly mexican neighborhood) and us playing with moon sand before dinner, we always know how to keep ourselves entertained.

So, there have been a lot of firsts in these 24+ interesting hours, and I'll share some of them with you...

1. Tried a martini! YUM

2. Also tried Cameo's drink (sex with Cameo) very interesting

3. Played with moon sand

4. found out what happens when you heat up a clear marble then throw it in cold water

5. Learned the story behind the "paul is dead" thing from the beatles and the story behind "give peace a chance".

6. Cast a circle

7. Got a smudging

8. Opened my Chakras

9. slept over at the girl's house

10. starting this blog

11. Went to laughter Yoga class (that's a whole nother blog in itself!)

12. and I'm sure various other things that I'm too damn lazy to talk about.

SO, I figure I'll rip off my GF's and introduce people you'll probably be seeing in this blog...

So, This is me... AND yes, I am a total retard. Although I don't believe in new years resolutions, I do make goals. My goal this year is to focus on myself and not take life too seriously... SO far SO good! I don't really know how to describe myself, but I'll try my best... and hope that my friends add anything they feel I've missed. I'm probably the most random person that's functional (and I use the term functional lightly) I can fit a different "clik" almost on a daily basis. My life it ruled by my mood. If I had to identify with anyone it would be goth... mainly because I like black and think goth people are hot. But you will almost always catch me with a smile. I am very open minded. Chances are, if you're not... the situation gets VERY awkward rather quickly! I don't have time for people who are too damn judgemental to realize we are all different versions of the same thing. I love the people in my life dearly, and those that have stuck with me (even the new ones) are my family. Chances are if you hurt them, you're in for an ass kicking... either emotionally, mentally, or if I'm up to it... physically. Don't get me wrong I absolutely hate violence, but I've learned that it's a necessary part of Nature. I am a very passionate person, and don't commit to anything without taking it seriously. Look, I could sit here and write this thing all damn day, and not adequately describe myself... SO, if you want to get to know me, make an effort!

My two oldest friends. Better known as My brudder mike (left) and The one that's always going to be in my life, Patrick (obviously right). I've known Mike pretty much my whole life, and Patrick the better part of it. If I have family in the friendship sense this is it! These are my two best male friends, and I seriously don't know what I would do without them. These two are to blame for me being the way I am. Between introducing me to MANSON (among many other bands) and pushing me to express myself in all my gothic beauty... well let's just say my mom blames them for "ruining" me :) These boys have seen me at my worst! I love you both!

The two most beautiful girls I know! AKA My sexy ass girl friends! Cameo (left) and Lucki (again, obviously right). Oh man, what can I say about these two???? Again, there is NEVER a dull moment! We met in ASL last semester, and started hanging out when Cameo told me to stop being a loser and come eat lunch with them instead of by myself. Yeah, she's just that awesome. These "bad influences" have pretty much taken me under their wing. They are truly inspiring! Watching them walk into a room holding hands without one ounce of hesitation makes me smile everytime. And watching some of the looks we get when the three of us are in public is just priceless! Although I have to answer the straight culture trivia every once in a while... I wouldn't trade hanging out with them in the world. As we say at least once a week... we were meant to be friends.

Of coarse there will be other people in here, but I'm not going to go steal their pics (again I'm lazy... deal with it!)

So, the basic plan for this blog is to document my life in the next year, and maybe even longer. I'll put my writings, bitchings, maybe even a few songs on here. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.... or I at least hope it successfully wastes your time! Either way Enjoy

~*ASHES*~

PS I will probably make MANY spelling errors, if it bothers you..... OH WELL :)